


Let These Wounds Heal First

by strawberrylemonade1225



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - No Killing Game (Dangan Ronpa), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28450578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrylemonade1225/pseuds/strawberrylemonade1225
Summary: Seven years have passed since the 77th class of Hope's Peak have graduated and gone their separate ways. Some stuck together while other couldn't wait to escape. A rusty old car and a short walk leads to a workaholic veterinarian running into a stressed out mechanic who seems all too familiar.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Soda Kazuichi/Tanaka Gundham
Comments: 45
Kudos: 162





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Some notes!!  
> \- as suggested, seven years have passed since their graduation and the current setting!  
> \- there will be heavy ish topics brought up, but I will leave warnings in those chapters  
> \- i am a fool and I don't plan things out so who knows where this story will go  
> \- i post extremely inconsistently lmao

"Ah, hell," was all Gundham said as his pitiful car beeped at him and gradually began to slow to a stop. Whatever the issue may be, he wasn't sure of. Perhaps the gas had run out? Maybe his engine had completely stopped? It's not like the icons and symbols on his dashboard would give him any information; half of them had stopped working properly about a month ago at this point. Really, the entire contraption was a mess at this point.

Sonia had warned him nearly repeatedly that something like this was bound to happen if he didn't bring his car in for a check up. He supposed that ignoring her advice had been something truly foolish as he sat in a stalled car on the side of the road at nearly twelve in the morning. 

In his defense, after successful performing a rather taxing and risky surgery on a last minute patient (i.e. a rowdy yet sickly pup), he had been aching to get home. There's no doubt his loving animals were missing him as he had been gone nearly the entire day at this point. He had hopped into his car and sped off without a thought to check the gas, brakes, headlights, or any of his normal concerns when it came to this piece of garbage.

At least the car had been cheap. Maybe too cheap, as Sonia always insisted. Gundham had just always chalked that up to her expectations being a bit higher than the norm with her origin story. Just this once, however, she may have been in the right.

Gundham wasn't a stranger to towing companies and they weren't a stranger to him. Thankfully, at this time of night, his favorite company was open. He stepped outside his car as he dialed the number to call, freehand rifling around in his coat pocket. 

"Is it who I think it is?" A familiar voice asked and Gundham heaved a heavy sigh.

"It is who you think it is," he simply responded, voice laced with exhaustion. Then, he proceeded to provide his location.

"I'll have a truck out to you soon," the receptionist responded, and there was a clacking of keys. "I'd suggest you take a taxi home tonight. With the condition of your car last time, there ain't no way that thing will be fixed up soon. So, unless you wanna bunk up in a car garage, get on home."

Gundham sighed once more, pinching the bridge of his nose. Of course, this was his luck. The hand in his pocket closed around a box as he hummed into the phone and hung up. Flipping open the nearly empty box, he took a cigarette and let it dangle between his lips as he fumbled with a lighter in one hand and his phone in the other. He managed to light the cigarette as he dialed the phone one more.

He could almost hear Sonia nagging him about the cigarette right now. It almost made him want to crush it under his heel. He didn't, however.

Soon enough, a taxi pulled up and he got in, giving directions. He caved into sleep, nodding out in the back of the car. By the time he got home, he was in a half asleep daze, so much so that he nearly tripped over one his beloved dog upon entering the apartment. 

"Ah, my apologies, Karma," he said softly, patting the Sheltie on the head. She responded with a soft bark and pawed at his shoes. He gave a half smile and knelt down to pet her, kissing her forehead. "I know, I missed you too. Did my Devas give you a hard time?"

It was still heart wrenching to talk about, but it comes as no surprise that his Four Dark Devas had passed quite a bit ago. They lived long for the form they had obtained, but they had moved on. Since, he had grown distant from the idea of having Devas of Destruction, but upon coming up on a box of three stray kittens outside his apartment complex, he had taken them in and taken to calling them his new Devas.

Sonia had helped in the naming process here. There had been a pure black Bombay cat and two Birman cats. Upon Sonia's suggestion, the Bombay had been named Diva both from her fussy behavior and for the joking aspect of the name. The two Birman had been named, somewhat reluctantly on Gundham's part, Sada and Abe. Sonia and her interest in true crime had insisted and Gundham, after all these years, still caved to her wishes easily. It didn't mean that he necessarily liked their names, though.

He stood again and toed off his shoes. He checked on his Devas, kissed each of them on their forehead and went to refill food dishes. He checked on his hamster, Sesame ("No, goth wad, don't you even think about changing his name!" Akane had threatened. He was a present (as opposed as he was to receiving an animal as a present) for his last birthday) and, after determining everything was okay with him, walked into his living room and fell onto the couch.

He simply intended to watch a bit of television before reluctantly traveling to his room for rest, but his plans were cut off sharp when he didn't even manage to turn on the TV before crashing into a deep sleep.

***

The first thing Gundham did when he woke up the next morning was call Sonia, which had been a huge mistake.

"I told you over and  _ over  _ again that your car was bound to break on you, and you had simply ignored me!" She accused, and Gundham didn't have a response, knowing that she was right. 

"Should've listened to her, eyeliner," Gundham heard Akane's voice pitch in in the background and Gundham felt tempted to hang up.

"This came as a complete shock, believe it or not, and even I was clueless this time as to what could've been the issue," he attempted to explain, which seemed to ease Sonia just a bit. She sighed through the phone. 

"You should have just let me purchase you a vehicle when I offered."

"Yes, and allow my pride to be squashed beneath the tires when I couldn't even provide for myself?"

"A man's pride is a useless thing."

"You tell 'em, babe!" Akane once again interjected from the background. Gundham, growing swiftly more annoyed, huffed a breath.

"I need to go in and check on my car, so I'll be taking my leave. Are we still okay for tea later?" He asked, standing from the couch and beginning to put together his items.

"But of course! I've complied a list of cases I'd like to go over with you!" Her voice perked up at this, returning to normal. Soon after, they hung up, and he went about his day. As he pulled on a shirt, he dialed the number for the mechanic connected with the towing company and dropped the phone onto his bed, speaker turned on.

"Dark lord, is that you?" Came a gravely voice and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I've asked you to stop calling me that, haven't I?"

"You have and I ain't gonna stop. You remember our high school days and how you tried to go an' spit on anyone who dared to call you otherwise. I'm not gonna go and test my luck now."

"I still cannot comprehend how the red eyed demon puts up with you."

"I  _ told  _ you to quit callin' Taka that."

"Hypocrite."

"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, your car was moved to a different shop." This made Gundham halt in his movements. "Machines so fucked, we needed a real professional to work on 'er. You know I'm better with woodwork."

"Do we have a price estimate?" He asked. He wasn't exactly struggling in the money department, but saving as much as possible was always a priority. Mondo, the man on the phone, clicked his tongue.

"All I can say is that you're probably gonna hafta expect a lotta numbers."

"God dammit."

"Hey, I'll send the location your way and you can go off and check it out. Try sweet talking your mechanic or something like that, might get you a pretty discount."

"Must I reiterate that I do not see what the red eyed demon sees in you?"

"I said-" Gundham hung up before he could get a chance to finish, plugging the address he had received into his phone. It was a little annoying seeing as how he would most likely have to use a taxi to arrive there, being out of walking distance compared to his usual mechanic. He decided to go ahead and call before arriving impromptu.

"Car Clinic, how can I help you?" Came a soft voice. 

"Hello. My name is Gundham Tanaka, I was informed that my car is in your care. May I come in and receive information about the issues?"

A response didn't come immediately. He waited for a moment, assuming that the receptionist had to speak with the mechanic. He waited, tapping a sock clad foot against the floor.

"Y-yes, you can come in! Will you be coming in now?"

He confirmed, and after a short conversation during which he pulled on his shoes. By the time the phone call ended, he was walking out the door, standing on the side of the street and ready to call a taxi. His hand itched and flew to his pocket, but he knew he had left his cigarettes home. He knew Sonia wouldn't appreciate if he smelled only of cigarette smoke when they met up later. Besides, it was better for him to not smoke.

After he called, a taxi pulled up rather quickly. Despite the early hour, he found himself almost nodding off during the short ride. He yawned and stretched, attempting to wake himself up more so as not to appear groggy when talking with this new mechanic he would once again inevitably end up knowing well. 

He really should just get a new car.

Arriving at the shop, Gundham was surprised he had missed it. The building was big and a bit flashy, walls brick yet painted different colors. He could almost feel a headache forming just as he looked at the building.

He walked inside, and the receptionist greeted him with a timid smile, asking him to wait for just a moment. Then, she disappeared into the garage, and Gundham could hear muffled voices. From how it sounded, only her and the apparent star/professional mechanic were the only two at work. He was surprised he could meet up with the mechanic anyway, but he wasn't about to refuse.

Soon enough, she came back into the front and gestured towards the garage door. "Straight through there. It'll be hard for you to miss him."

Nodding, he walked through the doors. The slight heels on his shoes clicked on the concrete of the garage floor, and his strides were strong. From this angle, he could see his car with the hood popped and tools scattered around it. He couldn't see the mechanic just yet, but he could hear someone fussing around in the hood, so he headed towards there.

"Hey, hey, hey," was what the mechanic greeted him with, and Gundham stalled in his footsteps, recognizing the voice. The mechanic's head lifted and his fears were confirmed. "So, about your ride-"

Brown eyes widened behind glasses. Brown stared into grey. They both fell silent until the mechanic spoke up.

"G… Gundham?"

"Ah, uh…" he stumbled over his words, he never stumbled over his words. "... Kazuichi?"

***

Kazuichi Souda had definitely changed over the years. He looked older, a bit sharper, but there was no mistaking him. Even the air he carried around him had changed a little bit, but not enough to be unrecognizable.

Let us start with appearances. His hair was still long as it had been in Hope's Peak, but it was a bit longer, tied back into a low bun with hair falling out of the bun and framing his face. He styled it the same, braid and all. His roots had begun growing out, dark brown hair bleeding harshly into faded pink. 

On his face lay a pair of glasses, frames black and thin, the glass itself thick. His irises were a natural shade of brown and an absence of heavy, eyeliner (eyeliner still present yet now thin) led to his eyes looking wider than he remembered them being in high school. 

He still wore a horrid jumpsuit, but this one was a shade of blue and,  _ thankfully _ , seemed to be washed regularly. First year Kazuichi had been a horrendous thing to deal with, lack of hygiene forever present, but that issue had been sorted by mid second year. Seems like he had kept that up. The jumpsuit itself had various patches from what looked like bands and car companies littered all over it, the combination of colors matching that of the bricks outside the building.

Finishing everything off, he had on a pair of scuffed up black sneakers and black fingerless gloves. Surprisingly, his nails were painted. Black with the middle finger pink. Ever classy, he was.

Kazuichi seemed to notice Gundham staring at his hands because he shoved them in his pockets, rocking on his feet. 

"Ah- ah, uh-! You remember Miu Iruma? Underclassman Ultimate Inventor?" Gundham nodded. "She- she insists on painting my nails, she gets all whiny when I say no."

"That reminds me an awful lot of Sonia," Gundham responded, chuckling lightly to himself. Meanwhile, Kazuichi looked… startled.

"S-Sonia?"

"Yes? You know how persistent she could be-"

"You referred to her by name, not somethin' like- like 'she-cat' or, you know, 'the dark lady'."

Gundham leveled him with a blank stare. "Surely you didn't think that sort of language would continue far out of high school?"

Kazuichi raised his hands defensively. He turned, and busied himself with Gundham's car, not meeting his eye. "I dunno, you seemed pretty hell bent in your ways before."

"It has been seven years, Kazuichi."

"I'm still getting used to hearing you use my name." The words came out as more of a mutter. Soon, the sounds of clanging and screwing were echoing through the garage, no words left to accompany it.

The slight silence left Gundham with time to think. It truly had been seven years since the last time they had seen each other. They hadn't so much as texted, having never done so while in school. It just seemed appropriate to keep it that way afterward.

The slight animosity that had built between them had dissolved in their second year, Kazuichi having learned more about Sonia and realized that he didn't truly like her the way he thought. This led to Gundham and Kazuichi being able to talk civilly and realizing that they actually had a bit more in common than they had thought, which led to the three of them forming a friendship.

In their third year, Gundham and Sonia had gotten together. Everyone expected it of them, and they became a sort of "campus couple". Wherever you saw one, the other was not far behind. They weren't too keen on PDA, but there was nothing against practicing occult in the public.

Their friend group remained, and Sonia and Gundham were none the wiser to Kazuichi's slow drift. He began to hang out with Hajime or Ibuki more. 

By the time they had graduated, they barely talked more than in a passing wave, a quick hug, a ten minute hang out session. Gundham really hadn't noticed until that startling flash of hot pink was out of his life for good.

It… hurt.

Seeing him now was… intense, in a way. There wasn't any bad blood, just a pile of changes that he had to chew. Faded pink, near blonde hair. Dark brown eyes. A sharper chin and nose, skinnier than he had been in school, a bit more muscular, probably from labor work. Still shorter, though.

"How have you been?" A voice cut through his thoughts, and he looked up from the cement floor to see Kazuichi looking at him. His glasses were on the tip of his nose.

"I've been okay. I got through vet school and am now head of my clinic. Hope's Peak wasn't lying when it said it would push us to the top."

"Ah, vet? You're a vet?" Kazuichi turned toward the car and a small smile lined his lips. "That's pretty cool. First time I'm hearing you mention that." 

"Yes, it never was my plan, but life never really goes to plan," he agreed, humming. "How about you?"

"Me? You know me, never one for school. I pretty much jumped outta school and into the nearest mechanic job. Traveled around for a bit, briefly worked as a freelancer, but my roots were always in cars. Hate riding the things, but love fixin' 'em up." He patted the side of Gundham's car. "Like your steel death trap right here. How'd you let her condition get so bad?"

Gundham grumbled and Kazuichi winced. "Sore spot for you?"

"I bought it second hand. I needed a car, it was cheap, things worked out well for about a year and things started going downhill. Here we are now."

Kazuichi nodded and seemed to hesitate. "Well, I'm going to be honest here. I don't really know if it's going to be worth it to fix it. I'd suggest into looking into another car."

"That bad?"

"That bad."

Gundham groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Sonia is going to have a field day with this news."

Kazuichi didn't respond, putting down the hood of Gundham's car and leaning against it, hands crossed across his chest. The metal squeaked pitifully.

"You can be reimbursed for a bit of money if you let me keep it for scrap metal and pieces," Kazuichi offered, trying to sweeten the deal. After a bit of a chat, the two settled on an amount that left both of them content. 

Soon enough, Gundham was turning to leave. As he started walking, he felt the beginning of regret stirring in his stomach. He turned back and looked at Kazuichi, seeing him staring at the junk car with his hands on his hips.

Was he really about to walk out and never see him again for the second time?

"When does the shop close?" Gundham asked, startling Kazuichi out of his thoughts.

"At five, why?" 

"Accompany me and Sonia to a cafe." It came out more like a demand than a request. "It has been a while."

"Ah, um." He hesitated, fidgeting with his hands. "Are you sure-" 

"I insist. It would be pleasant to have some time to catch up and reminisce."

Kazuichi hesitated once more, sharp teeth biting into his lip. Slowly, he nodded, and Gundham responded with a smile.

"Lovely. I'll come back to retrieve you at five, then."

And with that, Gundham left the shop, the smile on his face never leaving.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reconnection and the heart reignited.

Kazuichi was a fool and he was fucked.

Who could have told him this morning that he should absolutely  _ not  _ get out of bed because a whole six feet of emotional baggage will stride its way into his shop? He wanted to find that omnipotent being and shake it until it understood just how much he needed to know that information earlier.

Gundham Tanaka was not on the list of issues he had to deal with that day. He had woken up that morning with the intent to fix cars, fuck around, probably pester Hajime until he decided to go out and get trashed at a bar with him, and then go home. Not to be repetitive, but, once again, no where on that list was Gundham Goddamn Tanaka.

His new plan for the day? Fix cars, fuck around, worry for a good hour if he was dressed okay, mess with his hair, ramble incoherently to his shop's receptionist (her name was Gina, bless her soul, for she had to deal with Kazuichi at his worst near consistently), and then go out to tea with  _ Gundham Tanaka and Sonia Nevermind _ .

He hadn't heard those names in a while, at least, not in a context in which he'd be seeing them soon. After high school, his connection with them had just… dropped. He knew it was his fault, for the most part, and he regretted never texting Gundham despite the fact that his number lay in his phone, but the wound had long since closed over, he had thought. He was twenty-five now, an  _ adult _ , and he had moved on to do his own things. He was sure that the two of them had done the same.

Yet, right when his life reaches some semblance of stability, Gundham walked back in as if he had never left. A puzzle piece slotted into place at the wrong section of the puzzle. 

As soon as Kazuichi saw him, he knew that that stable grounding he had finally found was about to undergo a series of serious tremors.

He had changed, that was obvious, but his overall domineering presence remained strong.

His hair was still streaked with grey and white, but it fell down now, framing his face with some sections gelled back. His eyebrows were thicker and black, and his eyes were both plain grey. His face had thinned out a little, nose and cheekbones more prominent, and he still was almost sickly pale. He still had that grey scar on his face, but Kazuichi already knew that was a tattoo. Briefly, he wondered if Gundham ever wanted to get rid of it; it would be a shock to see it go, but he didn't really think he'd mind. His ears were both pierced and had more piercings than one, the earrings seemingly going through the whole length of his ear.

He seemed maybe… taller than before? Or maybe somehow Kazuichi shrunk? Or maybe Gundham had stopped slouching and stood up straight? He had always been surrounded by an air of confidence, but anyone could tell it was fake. Maybe now… it was real? Oh, geez. 

His clothing was simple. A black sweater, a long coat, similar to the one he had in high school, black jeans and black boots. He was sure they were the same boots from high school as well. His arm was absent of bandages, but his fingers on both hands had rings on them. 

He carried himself well, and his speech was clear and less confusing than before, but still delivered in such a strong way. He smiled more, genuinely smiled as opposed to villainous smiles. He spoke loud and tended to talk with his hands. Kazuichi was immediately captured by his talking and knew that he wouldn't say no to pretty much anything Gundham asked of him.

He had just… hoped he hadn't asked him to go out to tea with him and Sonia.

Oh, God, talk about  _ awkward _ . It was going to be dreadful to sit and drink tea with those two. They're probably still be all over one another and Kazuichi couldn't bear to see that for multiple reasons, most of which he dreaded having to admit to himself. He found his hands itching for his phone to whine to Hajime, but he resisted. First, he'd see how everything went. If it was smooth sailing, he'd tell Hajime. If shit hit the fan, he'd pretend like nothing had ever happened and move on with his life.

He'd simply just ignore the memories and the tremors that the ground still held.

He glanced up at the clock. Four o'clock. He walked out of the garage and gave Gina the alright to start closing everything up. Soon enough, the shop was closed, and Kazuichi walked briskly home. He showered, blow dried his hair, and stared himself down in the mirror to the point of almost having another breakdown. Before that could happen, he dressed simply (white and black striped sweater, blue ripped jeans, black sneakers), and let his hair remain down. He pulled on a black beanie, reminiscent of high school, and kept on his glasses. Then, he left the house once more.

Just as the clock hit five, he found himself outside the shop. A minute later, Gundham showed up and smiled, calling a taxi. 

Oh fucking hell. Here he goes.

***

Sonia was still as beautiful as he remembered her being.

Don't take him the wrong way- his feelings had long since died for her! He meant her as beautiful in an aesthetic sort of way? The way that one would call their friends beautiful.

Her hair was shorter than before, reaching just above her shoulders. She still styled her hair with the braid and now wore a red bow in her hair. She wore a white collared sweater that she tucked into a red skirt, leggings underneath leading to black flats. Her smile was radiant as ever and she wore light makeup, her face glowing. When she tucked a lock of blonde hair behind her ear, Kazuichi caught sight of a simple white ring.

Ah.

Well, he couldn't say he was too surprised.

Nevermind that, he would just tease Gundham about it a bit later. Maybe it would make the ache go away.

"I am so happy to see you," Sonia had said for maybe the hundredth time since he had walked in. Kazuichi smiled and took a sip of his sickly sweet coffee, never really being a tea person. 

"So am I, it's been…  _ forever _ . It's… weird to see you guys look so different but still look the same, if that makes any sense."

"It makes perfect sense," Gundham responds, sitting back down at the table, having gotten another tea. "I must say, it took me a second to recognize you."

"What, really? I knew it was your emo ass right away," Kazuichi responds, entirely light hearted. Sonia clapped her hands together with delight.

"It almost feels as if we're in high school again!"

Kazuichi nodded, although he disagreed. There was that huge change of the ring on Sonia's finger. Oh, well, he decided now was the best time to start poking fun at Gundham about it. 

He was… happy for them.

Surely, he was.

"Well, I mean, there has been one  _ enormous  _ change."

"Oh? And that would be?" Gundham asked, curious. He leaned his chin into the palm of his hand and met Kazuichi's eyes. 

"Hmm, what would it be?" Kazuichi rubbed his chin, making a show of thinking. He reached out and looked at Sonia. "Your hand, please?"

She looked confused, but she offered over her hand without hesitation. He turned her hand, ring glinting in the light, and looked at Gundham with a grin before letting go.

"You popped the big question, huh?"

"... I what?" Gundham responded, looking bemused. He had to have known what Kazuichi was referring to, right? Perhaps he was still as thick headed as he was in high school when it came to romance (and this is coming from Kazuichi, a man who still has never properly dated someone)?

He looked to Sonia, silently asking for help, but she looked just as, if not, more confused. What?

He quirked an eyebrow and looked back at Gundham. "Okay… give me  _ your  _ hand. The left one."

Gundham did the same as Sonia, yet Kazuichi was the one who hesitated. His hands were big, bigger than his own, and his nails were very clean and maintained for someone who worked with animals near constantly. It was probably against code to wear nail polish to his job; if it wasn't, Kazuichi would've sworn that his nails would've been painted black. It just… fit his vibe.

He took the hand in his own, and somehow, the coldness of it felt more nostalgic rather than shocking. Gundham's hands had always been cold,  _ all _ of him had always been quite cold. There was a running joke that he was cold blooded, a reptile, but the joke had quickly lost its humor after Gundham decided to school those who had started the rumor on the reptilian lifestyle and behaviors.

"Kazuichi?" Gundham asked, and Kazuichi startled. He looked down, and he was holding Gundham's hand in both of his own and not doing much except just holding it. That was… weird.

"Sorry, sorry, just- just reminiscing. I sound so old, God," he laughed, focusing back on the task at hand. Sonia giggled into her hand and Gundham just raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

As he had noticed before, Gundham had a few different rings on his hand. A skull, a snake, two solid black bands connected with a chain. So gothic and so  _ him _ that Kazuichi couldn't help but smile. Surprisingly, though, he lacked his wedding ring, ring finger bare of a matching silver band.

"Huh. Figures. I thought you'd be the type of guy to wear your wedding ring." Kazuichi looked up at him. "You wear it on a chain or somethin'?" 

"The type to wear my  _ what?!" _ Gundham asked, eyes wide and voice louder than before. He looked  _ very  _ confused at this point before Sonia cut through the tension that had built with her own question.

"Kazuichi, did you… did you perhaps think that  _ this-"  _ she gestured to the ring on her finger "- had come from  _ Gundham?" _

"... Yes? I mean, who else-"

"Oh God, no," both Sonia and Gundham said, sharing a laugh at the entire situation. Kazuichi just looked between the two of them, confusing mounting up even higher.

"What…?"

"We must've completely forgotten to tell you; the two of us are no longer a 'thing'." Sonia made it a point to put air quotes around the word. Kazuichi couldn't help but grin despite his own bewilderment. "We have not been for a while now! Just about six and a half years, in fact!"

"Six and a half… did you guys break up pretty much right out of school?"

"Yes," Gundham responded simply. "For various reasons. Sonia's stay in Japan was not yet solidified and we each had different paths we wished to pursue. That, and… the feelings were nothing more than platonic, on both ends." He laughed this dark laugh and Kazuichi shivered. "So, rest assured, that wedding ring is not from me."

And he felt… relieved. He didn't like how the tension had just bled out of him after this reveal, so he hurried to brush over it. "Alright, who is it from, then? You meet some other 'dark lord of evil' when we got out?"

Sonia hesitated, and her and Gundham shared some kind of look. Kazuichi wasn't able to tell what they were doing, exactly, but he waited patiently (or as patiently as Kazuichi could manage, which wasn't much) for the answer.

"Ah, the answer is… a bit complicated," she finally said, and Kazuichi hummed. 

"Complicated?"

"Um… illegal-in-this-country complicated," came the vague reply, and Kazuichi blinked a few times before it clicked.

"Ohh," was all he managed to say. He had to admit that he wasn't expecting this turn of events at all. It wasn't a bad thing by any means, just… different.

"... Is that all you're going to say?" Gundham eventually asked and Kazuichi managed a shrug.

"I mean, what is there to say. You know I'm not homophobic. Hajime's my soul brother and he's been with Komaeda since high school. Plus, I…" he trailed off, biting his lip. 

Could he really say this out loud? Was he allowed to do that, or would it come back to bite him? Maybe they were just messing with him to get a reaction? His brain blocked out the fact that, of all the people he knew, these two would definitely not be the ones to do that. He swallowed air and opened his mouth before closing it again.

He couldn't say it. Saying something is so much worse than thinking or typing it. Speaking something into the air makes it real, makes it  _ true _ . It makes it harder to take back if you start to regret it. 

He was startled out of his own head by Sonia's hand covering his own. "You can be open with us. We're your friends, remember?"

He shut out the part of his mind that snarled in response, biting out an aggressive, "oh, what good friends you are, not contacting me for seven years". Being angry, rude, intolerable, like high school, wouldn't do any good.

He took in a deep breath. "I'm… not straight myself."

There it goes, there it was. It was different from plainly saying he was gay, which he was almost certain he was, but that was too hard to say then and there. Saying things outlook always made them so much more real than simply thinking them.

Kazuichi had said the words "I'm gay" out loud before, but only once. Whispered between him and the ceiling, late at night. Turned on his side underneath the covers, phone cradled in his hands as he looked at old pictures and ached. He had only said it once, and then promptly sobbed. He… didn't think he would say it again anytime soon.

A hand on his shoulder shook him out of his thoughts. He looked to his right and saw Gundham smiling softly at him. He didn't say anything, but the gesture immediately put his heart to ease. Kazuichi's hand, resting on the table, was covered by Sonia's, smaller than his own and warm.

"That must've been difficult to… realize." She seemed to be thinking over her words. She broke eye contact and looked to the side. "I apologize that we were not there with you during this time of realization… that was just-"

"No, nah, it's- it's all good!" He found himself saying, hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. Gundham removed his hand, and Kazuichi found himself missing the touch. "We've all been occupied. Like, you especially, I'm sure! What're you still doing in Japan, princess?"

Sonia smiled and retracted her hand, holding her tea cup with both hands. Steam bellowed up and gently brushed her face. "Well, my love lives here, and… I pitched the idea of dealing with foreign affairs in Japan to my family. My attending of Hope's Peak had sky-rocketed the Novoselic reputation within Japan, so they were more than receptive to my plan!" Her smile suddenly turned into a smirk, an expression Kazuichi had never seen on her before. "Besides, Gundham would've been lost without my guidance, so how  _ could  _ I have gone?"

Gundham clicked his tongue and leveled her with a glare. "I'm perfectly fine without your meddling, Sonia."

She just laughed and looked at Kazuichi. "Enough about me, though. How are you? How have you been?"

The rest of the time they spent together, they just simply caught up with each other. Kazuichi talked at length about Hinata and Fuyuhiko, Sonia talking about Akane and Nekomaru. Gundham contributed every once in a while, but he seemed more than okay with listening to them talk. Occasionally, he would press a hand down on Kazuichi's shoulder or back, and Kazuichi's mind would hiccup and fixate on the spot both warm and freezing cold.

But the touches were fleeting, thankfully. Both fortunate and unfortunate for him.

Sooner than later, their time to separate had come. Sonia had affairs to deal with at home, and Gundham had begun seeming like a zombie on his feet, exhaustion weighing heavy. Kazuichi poked fun, saying he was getting old, needing his afternoon nap, and Gundham had just grumbled under his breath.

Sonia parted then, getting into a modest looking car, clean and white. Gundham glared at the car and Kazuichi laughed, knowing he must still be angsting over his junk car sitting in Kazuichi's garage. 

"You callin' another taxi?" Kazuichi asked, looking up at Gundham. He truly looked exhausted, eyes having lost their usual shine. Checking the time revealed it to be only a little past eight… was the life of a vet that tiring? 

"Walking will be fine for me, I don't live awfully far away from here. If you'd prefer a taxi, though, I'd be more than happy to call one up."

"Nah, don't bother. Like I said, I hate riding in cars if I don't have to. Walking is fine for me too."

And so they walked. It began in silence, the night having fallen already during these winter months. A chill had fallen, and Kazuichi rubbed his arms, wishing he had brought a jacket along as well. His sweater would have to do.

He kept sneaking glances of Gundham out of the corner of his eye, the taller none the wiser. A small part of his brain wanted to make a point of announcing how cold he was aloud, seeing the long black jacket laying overtop a thick looking black sweater that Gundham wore. He wanted to imply, no,  _ suggest  _ that Gundham hand him his jacket to save him from this cold. He wanted to put on that worn jacket that would probably swamp him in fabric. He briefly wondered if he still used the same cologne from high school.

It took everything in him to keep quiet and not say anything, going as far to bite on the inside of his cheek, the sharp metallic taste of blood filling his mouth. Stupid, stupid.

"I'm glad to have run into you today, Kazuichi," came Gundham's voice, and Kazuichi jumped. He played off the shiver as simply from the cold and laughed.

"Oh? You are?" He responded, pointedly not looking at Gundham.

"Yes," a voice full of conviction answered. "I had… thought we were never going to see each other again. I'm glad that was not the case."

A bitter feeling filled his chest. "You've always had my number."

"I… I believed you wouldn't have wanted to hear from me. I was mistaken in never trying to reach out, though."

Kazuichi hummed and shoved his hands in his pockets, adopting a slouching position as he walked. He hummed again and Gundham spoke up once more.

"We had drifted quite far apart towards the end of everything. I figured you appreciated your other friendships more so than ours and simply didn't wish to be disturbed." The bitter feeling continued to spread, and his fists clenched in his pockets. "So I chose to remain silent, and wait to see if you would reach out. Time passed, you didn't, and I never blamed you for our separation. It was… upsetting, to say the least."

Kazuichi couldn't stop himself from blowing up. "You know, why am I-"

"I missed you dearly these past seven years."

And, just like that, he fell silent. What could he say? He could agree, he wouldn't be lying, but was it really that easy? To waltz back into someone's life, proclaim that you missed them, and everything just fixes itself? He wanted to laugh at the idea.

"I missed you too," he admitted way too easy. He looked out of the corner of his eye to see Gundham staring straight forward, intimidating as ever but with a faraway look in his eyes.

They didn't speak anymore, the silence thick with unsaid words. They reached Gundham's place and Gundham turned to look at Kazuichi. He exhaled, lifted a hand, then hesitated and dropped it again. Kazuichi almost wanted to encourage him to do whatever it was he was about to do, but he resisted. They were never the touchy feely type of friends in the last and just because Gundham seemed more comfortable with casual contact didn't mean that he'd be okay with Kazuichi tackling him in a hug like he does with Hajime.

That's okay. That's just the way Gundham is. He was shocked out of his thoughts when two hands dropped on his shoulders and pulled him into a tense hug. He was too shocked to even respond, mouth open and arms out in a defensive sort of stance.

"I hope that," Gundham began, voice way too close to Kazuichi's ear. His heart pounded. "... we can meet again soon. Perhaps when I go out car shopping?"

"Y-yeah, okay, whatever," Kazuichi nodded dumbly and he was sure that no matter what Gundham asked of him in that moment, he'd say yes.

The moment shattered like glass when Gundham pulled back and covered the lower half of his red face with his hand. Kazuichi couldn't help but smile; old, shy habits die hard, it seems. He gave a half hearted wave before turning and leaving. Kazuichi was left with a racing heart and a stupid look on his face.

Sighing, he turned toward the road and pulled out his phone to call a taxi. He had neglected to tell Gundham that he lived in the opposite direction of himself. Whatever, though.

The walk had been more than worth it.

***

Kazuichi slammed the door to his little apartment and exhaled shakily, sliding down the inside of the door. He ripped off his beanie, his face feeling too warm. Pulling a hair band off his wrist with his teeth, just barely missing nicking the skin, he tied his hair up and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes.

Step one: call Hajime.

"Pick up, pick up, _pick up, pickup-_ _Hajime!"_

"Woah, woah, calm down, what's going on?"

" _ Hajime I can't be calm!  _ You- you wouldn't understand what I just went through oh _ \-  _ oh my fuck- oh my fucking God, dude."

"... Am I going to get context?"

"He's a vet, Hajime, a  _ fucking vet! _ And he dresses even more emo now and-"

"Wait, wait did…  _ did you run into Gundham?" _

"And Sonia-"

" _ And Sonia?!" _

"Yes!" Kazuichi was panting, heart racing. "Yes I did! Can you believe it?"

"How were- how are they? Still doing good?"

"Nope, broken up beyond repair. They seem to be good friends, though!"

Hajime hummed and Kazuichi wished he could see what he was thinking. "Ooh, so  _ that's  _ why you felt comfortable calling me just to thirst over Gundham."

"I am  _ not  _ thirsting over-"

"You 100% are! It's rather hopeful!" Came a raspy voice and Kazuichi's frown deepened.

"Ha-Hajime! Get your boyfriend to leave me alone!"

Kazuichi heard a muffled laugh and Hajime chuckled himself. "He's right, you know."

"So- so what if I'm thirsting!" He decided to just admit it at this point. "He's not- he's not a taken man!"

"Yes, but… he's a straight man, isn't he?"

Flashbacks of fleeting touches at the cafe, the hug before he went home, his bright red face. That wasn't much, really, it was a man missing his friend and being generally very shy.

Flashbacks of high school, of messy kisses, of panting breaths. Noses colliding, teeth clicking painfully, wishes and wants and heart break-

"I. Uh," was all Kazuichi was able to muster up to reply with. Hajime went silent on the other end for a moment too.

"... is there something you're not telling me?"

_ Well, you see, me and Gundham were a little bit closer than most in high school,  _ were his thoughts, but he didn't dare say them. That was then, this is now, and Gundham probably didn't remember. They were probably an experiment for two curious teens, one who turned out positive and one who turned out negative. They were never anything special. 

Never.

"He's, uh, he was acting a bit… a bit  _ touchy." _

"Touchy?"

"He kept… patting my shoulder and back and things like that. He never was like that… you know that much, he was never even touchy with Sonia and those two were an item!"

"Maybe he got a bit better about physical contact?"

"He  _ hugged  _ me, Hajime."

"Holy  _ shit." _

"Holy shit," Kazuichi whispered back in agreement, blinking and recalling the events of the night once more.

"I… honestly don't know how to read this. You're the one who's into him, do you think that was a sign?"

"I don't- I don't know! This is my first time seeing him after- after… who knows how many fucking years!"

"Seven," Nagito chimed in.

" _ Besides the point! _ He coulda just really missed me?"

"I suppose so, but that seems a bit… excessive, maybe?"

The conversation continued for a bit after that, discussing the possibility of Gundham displaying some sort of interest or just really having grown a heart and missing Kazuichi intensely. After a long phone call, Kazuichi felt no more certain of one option or the other and he just really,  _ really  _ wanted to either get a drink or take his frustrations out on a junk car. The hour and the walk to his shop proved both options to be unavailable.

He stood up and walked into the bathroom, but stopped short of his goal when he caught himself in the mirror. He was an absolute  _ mess. _

His hair was a total wreck of flyaways and even his glasses were crooked. His face burned a harsh red that illuminated every imperfection his skin had to offer. His eyeliner was smudged and his eyes were just saucers of brown and boring. He looked terrible, and he laughed a dry laugh at himself for it.

"Wow… I really… thought that he could've been into me? Look at me!" He said into the mirror, watching his mouth move around shark teeth. Disgusting. "No way a God damn goth prince would ever be into me! Have I learnt nothing? I'm so fucking stupid, I'm so  _ stupid!" _

He could feel himself slipping into self loathing but he couldn't help it. The day was just too emotionally taxing. He sat down on the side of the tub and held his head in his hands.

He really,  _ really _ , wanted that drink now. He raised his phone to dial Hajime's number once again.

  
  
  



	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nostalgia.

During his second year of high school, Gundham had a preposterous idea proposed to him by one of the people he considered closest to himself.

"Whadda ya say? It can be a no strings attached thing… we're both curious and we're pretty close, so I seriously doubt we'd end up messing things up between us. That stuff only happens in the cheesy romance novels that Fukawa from the class below writes."

Gundham huffed and crossed his arms. He looked away and ignored as he felt his pale face flush a deep red. "I do not see how such engagements could possibly answer any questions."

"It's  _ simple _ , oh dark one." The teasing tone the boy in front of him held made him grit his teeth even harder. They were practically grinding at this point. "We touch each other, hold hands, kiss, the whole shebang. Like we're dating but not and only when we're alone, your dorm or mine. I want to know if I like… guys, and… it seems like you do too. This is the easiest way to figure it out."

The boy's tone had gone serious and sincere. Gundham peeked at him and found that his smirk had faltered too. He was staring at the ground, pink hues hidden from view under a curtain of hair.

"It's one thing to…" he faltered and flailed his hands incomprehensibly "...  _ feel  _ things, and it's another to experience them. If we…  _ kiss _ , and I feel disgusted, I suppose that answers my question."

"Do you possess feelings for me, then, mortal?" Gundham asked, nervousness lacing his voice. "How could you possibly kiss a creature of the night and not feel revolted without having downed a potion of love?!"

"For God's sake, right now is  _ not  _ the time for your act!" Kazuichi sounded heated as he looked up. Gundham was surprised to realize that he felt… intimidated. "Just tell me if you want to do this or not! Look, you look… decent, enough, and you're… the only one I can trust with this. You coming to me and revealing your own  _ issues  _ is tellin' me that you trust me too. I'd much,  _ much  _ rather ask Hajime, but I'm not game to fuck up whatever he's got going on with that hope addict."

"... Could you lay out the conditions of the contract once more for me?" Kazuichi's eyebrow twitched at the phrasing, but the sigh he let out did seem a bit more light hearted. Good.

"The terms and conditions are simple." He began counting off on his fingers. "One: we never do this in public, only in our dorm rooms. Two: we don't…  _ push  _ this further than we're comfortable hoping to get some kinda response out of ourselves. If either of us decides we're really  _ not  _ into it, we stop. Three: we don't tell  _ anyone,  _ and I mean  _ anyone  _ about this, even after we stop. Four: if by some god forsaken, unknown, impossible,  _ terrifying  _ reason feelings are caught, this all ends and we don't speak of it. There's nothing much else we gotta talk about."

Gundham sighed and crossed his arms tighter. He could feel his heart thudding in his chest. It felt like it was rattling around.

The prolonged period of silence softened the pink haired mortal's into one of worry. "If you're really don't want to, we don't-"

"Let's do it. This will be really beneficial for the both of us."

They sealed the deal with a hand shake and twin shy grins.

***

In the present, the cigarette between his fingers burnt down, down, the slightly flame nearly licking his fingertips. The cold air nipped at him and he wished he had half a mind to grab a jacket before coming outside, but it was too late for regrets. All he wore was a thin pajama shirt and loose sweatpants, feet shoved into slippers. Hair fell into his eyes as he ground his cigarette out and reached for the box in his pocket in search of another one. He plucked it out with shaky hands.

The moon hung high in the sky. What time was it… perhaps midnight? Smoke curled inside of lungs and billowed out through pursed lips. 

He hoped the nicotine would ease the tremor, and while he knew it wouldn't, it was nice to pretend it would. 

Gundham held the cigarette between his teeth and scrubbed his hands down his face. Memories… they're messy and they show up again at the worst times. They haunt your dreams, your quiet moments alone, covering your vision like a smoke screen. The present is covered in that haze.

Seeing Kazuichi again proved that theory correct. Gundham couldn't seem to keep his hands to himself, even going as far as to  _ hug  _ him. Sonia would be having an absolute field day if she had been there to witness that; the two of them barely ever hugged, and, even then, hugged more outside of dating than they had  _ while  _ dating. It was weird, and probably out of line, but that wasn't what was causing this overthinking.

Kazuichi had openly  _ encouraged  _ it. Each time Gundham's hand rested on his shoulder or back, he leaned into the touch. He never told him to stop, shook him off, or seemed uncomfortable, really. Just surprised, which wasn't shocking in the slightest. 

Gundham watched the smoke curl in the air and he looked down at his hands. It was almost like he could still feel the furnace that was Kazuichi under his cold hands, despite the chill in the air. He wanted to know  _ why  _ he was so touchy and  _ why  _ it had comforted him. Maybe it was because he truly missed him? But that wouldn't make any sense, in his opinion. While he had missed him dearly, he had never gotten so physically affectionate with Sonia any of the times they were apart for an extended period of time. It was… odd.

Worries lurked like demons under the pale moonlight and tended to latch onto those just awake enough to feed into them. Gundham knew this well, and knew that polishing off cigarettes like candy would only make this worse. His tremors had yet to ease and his mouth tasted of ash. It was disgusting, even to himself.

He ground out the cigarette, about three-fourths gone, and took in a deep breath of cold air.

"I really need to quit these things," he murmured to himself as he went inside, looking at the half empty box.

***

The tendencies of an introvert had followed Gundham out of high school, not to his surprise. The evil persona he had once embodied had developed as a byproduct of that character trait, but it was never the main thing to him. Gundham still got awfully shy, had trouble communicating with those not already in his close circle, was unskilled at reading social clues, and more. However, losing the villain act had made him a bit more approachable and led to him being able to rekindle friendships from his high school days.

One such friend wound up being Mahiru Koizumi. Having originally lost touch after leaving school, he hadn't been too heartbroken. They were never close and it was to be expected. They had only gotten in touch once again when Mahiru had come to his clinic one late night without an appointment, rather frazzled and with a cat named Mr. Ant. His clinic never took last minute walk-ins, but he made an exception for an old friend, and they hit it off.

It worked out for Mahiru as well, having needed a model for a shoot she was working on. Gundham's measurements had worked well, and, every so often, she called upon him to help, and he always obliged. Today was another one of those meetings.

"Could you tilt your hand outwards a little bit? The light is catching on the ring in an awkward way." Mahiru looked at him through the camera lens as he adjusted his hand ever so slightly. "Perfect."

He never minded the shoots, putting on whatever clothes and accessories she needed. She worked mostly as a freelancer, and, a lot of the time, she got hired to help with fashion companies. Anytime he was available, she tended to have Gundham model the more alternative and dark lines of clothing. It was just his type, so it worked.

"Hold the necklace with your teeth- yeah, just like that, thank you. I know, I know, they have some strange requests… I'll treat you to dinner after we're all done!" She sweetened the deal with a smile and Gundham huffed a small laugh. He didn't mind, but he surely wouldn't turn down the offer.

After a bit more time filled with blinding flashes and countless costume changes, they finally finished. "Thank God that's over with. I can't wait to finish working with this company."

"They're that bad?" Gundham asked, walking out from behind the screen in the clothes he had arrived in. Having expected to change a lot, he wore simple black jeans and a black t-shirt. He was tugging on his jacket as he spoke.

"They're awful, if I'm being honest. Tons of men who think they know better than anyone, know better than the  _ photographer  _ about  _ photography _ . I should have listened to Tenko when she warned me about them," Mahiru complained as she packed away her items. She turned to Gundham and offered a small smile. "But… it's not all that bad. Hiyoko likes this brand and a lot of the lower level employees are kind hearted. You know how bosses tend to be… stuck up and gross."

"Should I feel offended as the 'boss' at my clinic?" He joked, offering a small smile. Mahiru returned the smile, her's bordering on teasing.

"Depends. Are you stuck up and gross?"

"I try not to be."

"And you succeed. Anyone stuck up wouldn't openly wear that worried expression you've had on all day." Gundham's eyes widened in surprise at the sudden topic change. "What's going on? Did something happen?"

"Ah, um." There he goes, tripping over his words again. He had been doing that more, recently. "My car completely broke down a few days ago."

"No, really?" Her surprise was evident as they left the studio, beginning the walk to a nearby diner. "What are you going to do?"

"My choices are limited and it would be unwise to continue to use a taxi for my work commutes. I'll have to purchase a new one."

"Have Sonia go with you so you don't get scammed again this time," Mahiru replied, and Gundham could hear the anger behind her words.

"I wasn't scammed last time, I was simply cheap and a fool. Besides, I have someone far more skilled accompanying me."

Mahiru went quiet for a moment. "Are you referring to who I  _ think _ you're referring to?"

"Is it really that obvious?" Gundham couldn't help the small smile that formed. His boots scuffed against the sidewalk with each step. "I am referring to Kazuichi."

"I knew it. You ran into him? How is he, has he changed?"

"A couple of days ago, my car was transferred from my regular mechanic to his shop. They were referring to him as a "professional", so it seems he's made a name for himself amongst mechanics." The sun was beginning to set. "He's mellowed out quite a bit, hair as pink as ever, though."

Gundham found himself talking a lot, even with a friend. He knew Mahiru must have caught on by now, to his unusual trend. She made a point not to mention it.

"I'm glad to hear it," she replied, and she sounded genuine. She smiled up at him, steps measured as the camera hanging around a strap swung with her steps. They made it to the diner and she pulled the door open and held it for Gundham, following him inside. "He's going with you to pick out a car?"

"Yes. I believe that I'll be able to choose a suitable vehicle with him there."

Mahiru and Gundham sat at a booth and there was a lull in the conversation as they looked over menus. At one point, Mahiru looked at Gundham over the top of her menu and Gundham found himself returning the gaze.

"You invited him because you want to hang out with him."

Mahiru, having always been blunt, had only gotten more blunt since high school. Gundham had a love hate relationship with that character trait of hers because, on one hand, she told him what he needed to hear even when it was hard and, on the other, she was able to read him like a book. He buried his nose in the menu.

"Is it wrong to want to hang out with an old friend?"

"I never said  _ that _ ," she clarified, closing her menu and putting it down on the table. Their waitress came around and took their orders and their menus away. After she walked away, Mahiru looked at Gundham again. "I'm sure he'd be willing to hang out with you  _ outside  _ of car shopping."

Gundham shrugged and grumbled, putting his chin in his hand. "I know as much, I figured car shopping was most suitable."

A silence hung in the air and persisted until they received their food. Gundham poked at his salad and turned a blind eye to Mahiru's burger. His vegan diet had continued out of high school, but he had at least become a bit less annoying about shoving it in people's faces. He still got embarrassed thinking about it.

"You don't… need to have an excuse to hang out with someone." Mahiru finally broke the silence. Gundham looked up at her. "We hang out whenever I need to do a photo shoot or whenever I bring Mr. Ant to your clinic. But, we also hang out outside of that simply because we  _ want  _ to."

Gundham took a moment to respond, apparently a moment too long, because Mahiru added more.

"Even though you haven't seen him for a while, this time more than  _ ever  _ you don't need an excuse to hang out. It makes  _ sense  _ that you guys would hang out for seemingly no reason."

Gundham paused and then spoke. "I… suppose you're right."

"I  _ am  _ right. You just have to be honest with yourself."

Gundham stabbed at his salad. "This is bordering on you psychoanalyzing me."

Mahiru laughed at this, returning to eating her food. The tension in the air fanned out.

The rest of the time was spent chatting about this and that and Gundham insisting they split the bill. Their paths diverged at the door and they shared a friendly wave.

As Gundham walked home, he had to wonder why he hadn't made the move to hug Mahiru the way he had hugged Kazuichi when they parted ways.

***

When they met up to car shop, they couldn't have looked more different.

Gundham was in a black turtleneck with black ripped jeans, knee high boots with a slight heel, and a long jacket. Kazuichi, however, was in a solid yellow t-shirt, blue jeans, sneakers, and his hair was tied up and under a beanie. Today, he wore his plain contacts, irises brown. He had eyeliner on, as per usual, thin and practiced. He peered up at Gundham with a curious gaze.

"You're going to overheat, dressed like that," was how he greeted him. Gundham couldn't stop the smile that curved his mouth.

"And you're bound to freeze."

Kazuichi mirrored Gundham's smile and shook his head. "Nah, no way, it's only October."

"Well, don't come to me when you're freezing cold later on."

Kazuichi's gaze fell, looking at his jacket. Then, he suddenly turned and started walking towards the building. Gundham simply followed and ignored the awkward silence between them. 

The silence persisted, and Gundham grew slightly irritated with Kazuichi taking charge of the entire situation, such as conversing with the owner and pointing out which cars were worth it and which weren't. Gundham knew that it only made sense, this being Kazuichi's field of expertise, but it was still a bit annoying. He repressed that feeling, however, and just followed the shorter man around the lot.

In the end, they settled on a smaller car. Gundham didn't need a big one, never really having much to transport from place to place. Plus, it was one of the cheaper cars, and Kazuichi, with his slight charisma (one of the most shocking changes since high school), reputation, and keen eye, managed to talk the owner into an even cheaper price than the one posted. Afterward, all that was left was a hefty amount of paperwork and the payment.

Gundham got settled in the lobby of the building, beginning to fill everything out. It surprised him when Kazuichi dropped into the seat next to him, pulling out earbuds.

"Uh…" he began, not knowing what to say.

"What?" Kazuichi asked, pausing, one earbud already in.

"You're staying as I fill these out?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"... Yes? Why, am I supposed to leave or something?" Kazuichi sounded defensive. Gundham shook his head and Kazuichi slumped in his seat. "It's- it's no big deal. I won't bother you while you do your thing."

Gundham didn't think he would bother him, but he didn't bother to voice this. The tension between them was palpable but he just took a breath and began rifling through the papers and filling them out.

The music Kazuichi was listening to was cranked up loud enough that Gundham could hear it even through the earbuds. He didn't seem to have a particular taste, the songs varying from upbeat and poppy to slow and dark. Gundham caught a few of his favorites in the mix along with some songs he absolutely could not stand. He didn't even notice as his pace slowed to a stop and he just focused on the music.

"Gundham?" He heard and his attention snapped up to Kazuichi. He looked confused, maybe a bit concerned? "Those papers aren't gonna do themselves, you know? As soon as you get them done, we can get out of here."

"Ah, of course. You're right," he agreed, focusing back on the papers, still about half the stack left. Kazuichi hesitated but he put his other earbud back in. He slumped in his seat, tilted his head against the wall and closed his eyes. Gundham looked him over for a second before looking back at the papers.

In about half an hour, he had finally finished up everything and he gave the papers to the owner. He wouldn't be able to take the car quite yet as it was going to be looked over and fixed before being given to him, but at least that was one worry crossed out. He turned to Kazuichi to see him winding his earbuds around his phone and putting everything in his pocket.

"Let's get going then, yeah?"

Together, they walked out of the building and just began walking. Gundham had assumed that they were simply going to go home after their outing, but Kazuichi made no comment about it, so Gundham didn't either. They just kept walking.

"Wanna stop by a fast food joint?" Kazuichi eventually asked, rubbing the back of his neck. Gundham's nose crinkled, not being the biggest fan of fast food, but the awkward air just made him agree in lieu of suggesting something else. 

As they walked, Gundham noticed Kazuichi shivering. He seemed to be trying to suppress it, rubbing his arms and cutting shivers off short. He didn't say anything, looking away. Soon enough, they got to the restaurant. Thankfully, the heat was on when they entered.

Gundham got a salad and prayed that they didn't use any kind of animal products in making it. Kazuichi just got fries and a milkshake. They sat down in a booth, seats uncomfortable and wooden, obviously cheap. Their knees knocked underneath the table.

"I think these tables are meant for little kids," Kazuichi joked and Gundham smiled, nodding.

"Not grown men, that's for sure." His salad tasted like grease. "I doubt we're their target audience."

"Nah, nah,  _ you  _ may not be their target audience, mister vegan, but I fit right into their view of the perfect consumer," Kazuichi joked. An invisible weight began to be lifted off the air surrounding them.

It almost began feeling like… high school.

"Oh?" Gundham leaned forward, salad being poked at. Kazuichi dipped a fry into his milkshake and hummed. "Please elaborate."

Kazuichi began counting on his fingers. "Broke, a mess, busy. Top three qualities in a fast food consumer."

"A mess?"

"Gundham, I have pink hair."

"That doesn't mean-

" _ My hair is pink. _ I am legally obligated to identify myself as a mess."

Gundham stared at him blankly before breaking out into a laugh.

"Ah, did the dark one keep his villain laugh?" Kazuichi's voice cut his laughter off short. He opened and closed his mouth before speaking.

"What?"

Kazuichi, clearly not expecting this response, seemed to grow nervous. "Uh, you know, your, uh, 'fuhahaha' laugh. That was- that was the one you were just doing."

"That's… my genuine laugh." Gundham knew his laugh was strange, many people had pointed it out. It worked for him in high school, fitting in the role he wanted to be so badly, but as for moments like right now… it was just very out of place. "Is- what's wrong with it?"

Kazuichi grew more nervous and he waved his hands. "There's- there's nothing wrong with it, I just, I thought it was an act! I never  _ minded  _ it, it's just, just, unmistakably  _ you _ ."

Gundham's mind blanked. "'Unmistakably me?'"

"No one I've met has laughed like that besides you." Kazuichi tugged down his hat, covering the top half of his eyes. His face was reddening rapidly. "So I thought it was part of your persona. So it… it surprised me that you still laugh like that, I… I like it."

Silence enveloped them and the weight from earlier began to apply pressure again. Gundham fussed with a suspicious looking crouton. Kazuichi stirred his milkshake with a fry. When the weight became too much, Gundham coughed and spoke.

"So you're legally a mess?"

Kazuichi perked up and took the topic change and ran with it. Soon, the empty fast food restaurant grew loud with the mingling sounds of their laughter, awkwardness put away for the time being. 

Their knees knocked under the table for the entire duration of their meal and neither seemed to mind the near constant contact.

***

After the fast food, they remained together. The stars sparkled in the sky and there was a chill in the air, yet Kazuichi insisted on walking Gundham home as opposed to taking a taxi. So walk they did.

Kazuichi was now openly shivering, the cold definitely getting to him. Gundham couldn't help but take notice and he decided to poke fun.

"Oh, are you freezing? Who  _ ever  _ could have predicted this?"

"Yeah, yeah, l-laugh it up, emo," Kazuichi bit back, no malice in his voice and a smile on his face that he quickly shivered off. Subconsciously, Gundham reveled in the fact that Kazuichi was making fun of him in the way he usually did. Well, did in high school. 

Nostalgia.

"Are you really that cold?" Gundham asked after a few more steps and Kazuichi sighed dramatically.

"My t-shirt is thin and the weather didn't predict it to be this cold! Shut up."

Gundham laughed, and silently took note of how much he was laughing. He chased those thoughts away and halted in his walking. Kazuichi took a few more steps before he realized that Gundham had stopped walking. 

"What's wrong?" He asked, turning. His arms that he had been rubbing to warm up were covered in goosebumps. His nose was bright red. Gundham hesitated for a moment before digging in his jacket pocket and removing his cigarette box and lighter and shoving them both in his pants pocket. Kazuichi followed the movement with his eyes. Then, Gundham took off his jacket. "What are you doing?"

He handed his jacket to Kazuichi, who slowly took it and stared at it in bewilderment. He made no move to put it on and Gundham gestured for him to wear it. Thankfully, the cold was bearable due to his sweater. 

"Wh- Are you serious?" Kazuichi asked, and the pure shock in his voice made Gundham go red. At times like this, he wished he still had his scarf. He raised his hand and covered the lower half of his face in embarrassment. "Like, you want me to wear this?"

"You're cold, I'm fine, it works," Gundham hastily explained before swiftly walking in the direction of his house again. He heard Kazuichi's frantic steps behind him and he slowed a bit but not by enough to allow Kazuichi in front of him. Eventually, though, Kazuichi fell in step, and Gundham wished he had never glanced over at him.

He was  _ drowning  _ in material. Gundham wasn't all that broad, but he was definitely broader than Kazuichi. That, and much taller. The jacket nearly touched the pavement when he wore it. His fingertips just barely peaked out of the sleeves and he started rolling them up after he finished buttoning up the jacket. His face was a bright red, most likely from the cold, and he buried his freezing nose into the material. Surely, it was to warm it up.

Neither of them spoke, but the pace turned less fevered and more calm. The silence was neither awkward nor comfortable, more just like a constant between them. Sooner, rather than later, they reached Gundham's house.

Kazuichi made a motion to take off the jacket but Gundham waved his hand. "Keep it. You still have the walk to your home."

Kazuichi looked guilty for a moment but Gundham ignored it. His voice came out tiny. "Th-thank you."

Gundham waved his hand again and made a motion to enter his home. Before he could fully turn, two frozen hands pulled him into a hug by his sweater. The action startled him, but he quickly recovered, hugging back. Kazuichi jolted in his arms, but if he wanted to get away, he didn't seem like it. His hands curled in the fabric of his sweater, nails lightly biting into his back, holding on. Slowly, the fingertips began to feel warm.

When the hug broke, Gundham was sad to see it go. The feeling of embarrassment won out, though, and he raised both hands to cover his face, not looking at Kazuichi. Oh God, he both loves and hates physical contact. The awkwardness was suffocating.

"Thanks- Thanks again. Night!" Kazuichi said, before turning and walking as fast as he could in the opposite direction. Gundham didn't even get the chance to say anything before he was out of sight.

Sighing and rubbing his still blushing face with his hands, he pulled out his almost empty cigarette box and lights the last cigarette. Maybe he wouldn't buy another box after this.

He knew that was a lie.

Smoke curled gracefully in the cool air. He ignored the bite the wind had on his face.

"Stressful," he mumbled to himself. "I hope Kazuichi actually gives my jacket back."

Secretly, though, he knew that this wasn't his main concern with the jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are always greatly appreciated!!


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Foolish, foolish. Wants and memories and hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for kazuichi being like. very self depricating this chapter. nothing really specific but this chapter isn't really a happy go lucky one

The jacket smelled  _ heavily  _ of Gundham, so much so that Kazuichi could get intoxicated off of the scent and he's sure he was already halfway there. He couldn't stop burying his nose into the soft fabric and inhaling.

Cologne and smoke were the two smells most prominent. Finding out Gundham smoked was quite the surprise, but Kazuichi couldn't be too surprised. It seemed to fit his grunge aesthetic. He just hoped that he didn't do it all that much.

Besides the cologne and smoke, Kazuichi could smell laundry detergent, the smell of something clean (perhaps from the clinic? Maybe cleaning chemicals?) and just the general smell of Gundham. It was hard to explain, and Kazuichi was already waxing poetic about the jacket as is.

The blush that bloomed in his face and pretty much spread throughout his body warmed him up pretty efficiently, nearly to the point that wearing the jacket was simply overkill, but God  _ himself  _ wouldn't be able to get Kazuichi to take off the jacket, even if he tried. He felt like he was living out some high school fantasy he didn't even know he  _ had _ , and he was going to savor this feeling as long as possible.

The taxi ride home had been warm and comfortable with the jacket around his shoulders. The walk inside had been brisk and dropping down on the couch with the jacket  _ still on  _ had just seemed natural. Kazuichi, being who he was, couldn't resist snapping a picture of himself and sending it to Hajime.

**You:** [attachment: one image] dhdksdbrjsndhejjddjsjs d dude I'm losing my fucking shit oh my God

He put down his phone and eagerly awaited a response. He figured the response would come in the form of a phone call because Hajime was his soul brother and would simply  _ know  _ that Kazuichi wanted and  _ needed  _ to ramble about this.

A moment later, he felt a buzz. The buzz wasn't repeated, however, so it told him it was just a text. Hm, disappointing.

He picked up his phone and what he saw made him wish the floor would swallow him whole right then and there.

**The Dark Lord:** Are you alright? What's wrong?

Oh fuck. Oh no. What the hell was he supposed to say? ' _ I'm freaking out because I'm wearing the jacket of a really really hot guy who I haven't pinned over in years. Who's that guy? Oh, name starts with a Gund, ends with a ham, you might know him?' _

Kazuichi wanted to smack himself after thinking that. He scrambled for something to say in response when he got another text.

**The Dark Lord:** Hello? Kazuichi?

_ 'Stop saying my name,  _ please _ ,'  _ Kazuichi couldn't help but think. Everything was so much easier to process when it was accompanied by 'pink haired mortal' or 'Sharp Toothed One'. His name being spoken so frequently in that low rasp…

God dammit.

**You:** yeh yea nono I'm fine I'm being dramatic lmao

**You:** it was fuckign freezing on the walk home so thank God I had your jacket lol don't you see how red my face is in that picture, felt like it was going to fall off

Okay, that covered the text and the picture. Hopefully Gundham wouldn't question it too much.

**The Dark Lord:** I am glad to hear that you are okay. That picture is funny; you look frazzled.

Frazzled.  _ Frazzled.  _ What a dork! Kazuichi's face glew red and he smiled as he typed.

**You:** the wind was vicious i swear to God you better be happy I even look decent in that

The response comes quick, almost like Gundham was waiting at his phone.

**The Dark Lord:** You look good in the picture.

All Kazuichi can do is stare blankly at his phone. Wow. Was this guy for real?

_ 'You look good, you look good,'  _ is all that repeats in Kazuichi's mind and he can't even think of a response. Did Gundham even know what saying that did to him?

Scratch that, he  _ hoped  _ he had  _ no clue  _ what that did to him.

**You:** carwful with your words champ I might just start swooning

Nothing wrong with playful flirting, right? It's not like he would take him seriously. He playfully flirted with Hajime all the time and both of them knew that it was a joke. Surely it would be the same with Gundham, right?

**The Dark Lord:** Swoon away, paramour.

Kazuichi was going to be honest. He had to look up the meaning of 'paramour' for Gundham's response to take effect, but, by God, once he knew, he felt his face practically combust.

Paramour.  _ Paramour.  _ The meaning of  _ "lover" _ . Gundham Tanaka just used a cheesy ass pet name that only  _ he  _ would use to playfully call Kazuichi his  _ lover. _

_ 'God, I can rest in peace after this.' _

Before Kazuichi could even type a response, he was getting another text.

**The Dark Lord:** Ah, it's so much later than I thought it was. I should be getting to bed, then. You have a good night as well.

And just like that, the moment that seemed to have stepped directly out of Kazuichi's dreams drew to a close. He blinked at his phone and laughed with the absurdity of it all. Really, what had he been thinking?

He looked at the jacket he wrapped himself in again and sighed. Then, he scrolled back up in the chat and stared at the picture he had taken of himself.

Messy, frizzy hair. Blotchy red face. Sharp teeth and smudged eyeliner and blurry. Unattractive.

He knew that Gundham wasn't trying to start anything, but seeing the way he  _ looked  _ just solidified it all.

Sniffling, he searched through his contacts until he found who he was looking for and hit call.

"Hey Hajime… yeah… do you want to go out for drinks?"

***

Slightly nauseous from the car ride, Kazuichi walked into the cheap bar he and Hajime had agreed to meet at. After a slight search, he found him sitting at a booth and was pleasantly surprised to see Fuyuhiko sitting across from him.

He received an explanation when he got to the table, sliding in beside Hajime.

"I was in town and Hajime told me you were having an issue. I felt like it wasn't any harm to go out for a drink," Fuyuhiko explain, tips of his ears red. It embarrassed him still to show open affection for someone, but he was getting better at it.

Kazuichi smiled and turned to his soul brother. "Aw, you're lookin' out for me!"

Hajime grumbled and looked away, still mean as he was in high school. "Yeah, yeah."

Speaking of high school, Hajime had barely changed appearance wise. His hair was still short and choppy and he had never been able to tame that cowlick (was it an ahoge) that he had. He had broadened a bit, in his shoulders and chest, but otherwise, he looked virtually the same. He had gotten a little more easy going (evident in indulging Kazuichi in his spur of the moment bar trips), which was a plus, but he was still  _ mean. _

As for Fuyuhiko, the 'baby gangsta's hair was a bit longer than before but still rather short. He wore an eyepatch over one eye after he had gotten into some gang related issue a few years prior. When you asked, he would simply say "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to  _ kill  _ you", so no one except him and Peko really knew what had happened. He was still short but he had grown a bit, now only three inches shorter than Kazuichi. Over the years, constant exposure to the sun had led to more and more freckles on his skin.

So, he looked both more and less intimidated.

At the very least, his aura had changed. It was dark and unfriendly unless you knew him well. Even Kazuichi got intimidated looking at him from afar. He became more open with those close to him but even more of a threat to those not. He was constantly traveling, rarely seeing Kazuichi face to face and being shitty at texting, they tended not to talk much. Regardless, they were still close as ever.

Back in the present, Fuyuhiko was looking at the menu and scowling. "This is all cheap shit. You sure this is the right bar?"

"Kazuichi is broke and I'm cheap. Yeah, this is the right one," Hajime answered simply. Fuyuhiko's scowl deepened but he just turned to look back down at the menu. Hajime, having already ordered a beer for himself, turned to Kazuichi. "So… what's the reason you've called us out here." He blinked, as if realizing something. "You're wearing contacts."

Kazuichi put a hand up to his face. He had honestly forgotten. "Uh, yeah, I was… busy today."

Fuyuhiko waved over a waitress and ordered a drink for himself, Kazuichi turning and ordering something that sounded nice while also being very cheap. Soon enough, their drinks were brought around.

Hajime narrowed his eyes at him. "You met with Gundham today, didn't you?"

Fuyuhiko, who had been taking a sip of his drink, looked as if he nearly spit it out. He quickly swallowed and spoke. "Gundham's back in the picture? Since when?"

Stalling for time, Kazuichi counted on his fingers. His face flushed a light pink. "One… two weeks?"

"Two and a half," Hajime corrected.

"Wow.  _ Wow."  _ Fuyuhiko took a proper sip of his drink. "So, Kaz is having a gay panic, then?"

"I'm! I'm not having a- a-" Kazuichi stuttered loudly before his voice dropped to a whisper "- a gay panic!"

Hajime flicked his burning red cheek lightly. "Sure looks like you are."

Kazuichi grumbled and rubbed his face. He took and breath, a sip of his drink, and let the alcohol settle warm in his stomach. 

"He gave me his jacket today."

"He  _ what?" _ Fuyuhiko's eyes were wide. He was eating this news up like it was a daytime television drama.

Kazuichi, in lieu of answering, pulled out his phone and pulled up the picture of him wearing the jacket. Both Hajime and Fuyuhiko stared at the picture before looking at each other and then, lastly, at Kazuichi.

"Call me crazy, but I think he has a thing for you," Hajime stated casually, sipping his beer. The glass emptied and a waitress came over to replace the drink. 

Kazuichi paid no mind, too busy floundering with the booming music of the bar mixing with the hammering of his heart in his ears. "He! No! I-  _ no!" _

"I don't lend my jacket out to anyone for no reason." Fuyuhiko rested his chin in his palm. "Gundham used to be real possessive with his stuff. Remember that damn 'hell hound earring'? He reminded me of myself and, if he's still like that, he didn't just give you the jacket for nothing."

"It- it was cold! I had on a t-shirt and he had a sweater, it just- it just made sense to let me borrow it!"

"Nah. He has a thing for you." Fuyuhiko drained his drink and Kazuichi took a timid sip of his own. "Like it or leave it."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Hajime asked, nudging Kazuichi with his elbow. Kazuichi covered his face with his hands and rested his forehead on the table.

"No, no, it isn't, I was just… I had almost… I was  _ getting over him! _ And I caught myself all embarrassed over his fucking jacket earlier, fan girling hard-core and shit," Kazuichi explained, feeling tears prick his eyes. He hated how easily he cried. "I can't deal with 'feelings for Gundham 2.0'! Even if him and Sonia ain't a thing! There's no way he would ever… I mean… he's  _ straight. _ "

After that, he explained everything that had happened that day between them. The car, the fast food, the walk, the texting. His face just grew more and more red and he kept blinking away tears. He drained his drink during his story and ordered another one, already feeling the alcohol beginning to hit him. He was such a lightweight. Fuyuhiko spoke first.

"I'm going to be honest, he really doesn't sound straight. I get the whole giving you his jacket for warmth thing, but everything else is really… not straight guy behavior. Sure he's not like you and your weird relationship with sexuality?"

"Sensitive topic," Kazuichi said, sniffling. It really wasn't, but he didn't feel like talking about it then.

"My bad. The point is, though, that he might be into you and not know it."

"I have to agree with Fuyuhiko here," Hajime hummed, patting Kazuichi's back. The touch was comforting but not nearly as warm as Gundham's touch always was. He was too far gone. "Maybe he needs a push to realize things himself."

Kazuichi sure as hell wasn't going to be that push, he  _ couldn't  _ be that push. The idea of doing that was endlessly nerve wracking and would end up terribly no matter what. He knew Gundham and he knew that rushing things with him was never good, and if he never realized on his own… would  _ anything  _ between them really be meant to be?

Besides, Kazuichi hadn't been lying earlier. He really  _ had  _ been getting over Gundham, so of course seeing him again would shake things up. It didn't necessarily mean that he still liked him, he was just basking in the attention being given to him by an old one sided flame. You would have to be a fool to not indulge yourself in positive attention from an attractive man.

Ah, who was he kidding? His heart was a fucking mess and he knew he wanted Gundham like he wanted him back in high school.

But this  _ wasn't  _ high school. They were adults, for God's sake, and they had  _ moved on. _ Gundham was a vet, Kazuichi was a mechanic, Gundham smoked regularly, Kazuichi drank to deal with problems occasionally. Gundham didn't dress up and talk with a dramatic flair, Kazuichi didn't fawn over pretty girls and create little toys and take apart everything he got his hands on.

Gundham was a workaholic and stressed and Kazuichi was panicky and, above all,  _ tired. _

Tired of waiting, tired of feeling, tired of hoping for something more. He was given crumbs and celebrated as if they were equal to a whole loaf of bread. His optimism and pessimism blended to create a cocktail of pain that he, without fail, bitterly swallowed each and every time.

He drained his second drink and leaned his forehead on the table.

Fuyuhiko and Hajime, who had engaged in a short conversation catching up, turned to look at him. Hajime spoke first and asked, "Are you alright?"

"Let's talk about something else," he suggested, more like pleaded, slurring the words. Lightweight, lightweight. "I can't do this right now."

Hajime was honestly the best soul brother he could ever have. He changed the topic smoothly and, from there, he felt his mood be lifted ever so slightly. He, Fuyuhiko, and Hajime ended the night out laughing.

***

After Hajime and Fuyuhiko managed to drag his drunken ass home, Kazuichi fell onto his couch in an uncomfortable position and fell asleep.

He dreamt of high school and clear memories played out in his dream like he was at a movie theater.

In this dream, he was in his dorm room, and to his right was a tall man. It was Gundham, and his face was flushed a deep red. Near instantly, he knew what was going on.

Kazuichi's hand was in Gundham's and Gundham was gripping it with a death grip. His palm was sweaty, which was kind of gross, but Kazuichi couldn't say he was any better. He looked over at the wall and his leg bounced nervously.

He felt like a little kid holding a friend's hand when he moved to cross the street. Vaguely embarrassed and wanting to break away, but nothing causing his heart to stir like it should have been. With these feelings, he coughed and spoke up.

"This, uh, this doin' anything for you?" He bit out, swallowing spit. He was going to be honest, he wasn't feeling  _ anything  _ at the moment except intense embarrassment, although he was sure that was just due to the awkward atmosphere surrounding them. The air was so thick that it felt like it could be cut with a knife.

"... Is it doing anything for  _ you _ , mortal?" Gundham answered his question with a question and Kazuichi lifted his free hand to pull his hat down to cover his ears.

"... Not really, no."

Kazuichi felt tension melt out of Gundham. He sneaked a glance and saw that his perfect posture had broken slightly. "Me neither."

His brain stalled for a second. Was he  _ worried _ that Kazuichi was going to say he  _ was  _ feeling something? Was he trying to avoid hurting his feelings?

He blinked and blanked and clutched Gundham's hand tighter. Gundham, of course, noticed, and their eyes met for a second before they both looked away again. Suddenly, Kazuichi didn't mind the awkward hand holding so much anymore. 

Suddenly, his heart started racing, and suddenly, an idea popped into his head.

An idea, an impulse, a…  _ want.  _ Something much more intimate than what they were currently doing.

He carefully took his hand from Gundham and didn't miss the way Gundham watched his movements. He was completely focused on the mechanic, almost like analyzing him. Defensive and locked up, like Kazuichi would pounce. He stood up and moved to stand in front of Gundham.

"Can I try something?" He asked, voice light. Gundham swallowed and nodded. With permission, Kazuichi moved forward and rested a knee on either side of Gundham's lap, sitting back on his thighs and looping his arms around his neck. He leaned forward fast, hooking his chin over his shoulder and staring forward.

Gundham, on the other hand, was stiff as a board with his hands at his sides. Kazuichi didn't blame he, he did suddenly and randomly get a lap full of…  _ boy…  _ but the least he could do was put his arms around Kazuichi.

"You can- you can touch me, ya'know, it's, it's kinda the whole point," Kazuichi just managed to say. His voice was light and strained and his heart was pounding double time. How could it not be? He  _ was  _ sitting in the lap of someone attractive.

Gundham's hands slowly found their way around him. One on his lower back, on in between shoulder blades. Both hands seeped cold through his thin t-shirt and a shiver ran through him. He found himself leaning into Gundham further and Gundham responded by holding him tighter.

From Kazuichi's position, he couldn't see very much, but the lack of sight was replaced with sensation. Warm, solid chest, burning red face, large, cold hands. Breathing that is stuttering, heart that is hammering, an unbreakable grip. Vaguely, he began to wonder what it would be like to be held this way by somebody that he loved, and he found himself liking it.

Of course he loved Gundham, the guy was one of his closest friends, but he didn't love him in the romantic sense. He loved him in a way that they could do things like this and trust him not to get all weird about it.

All of this, though, didn't change the fact that Gundham was actually…  _ insanely  _ attractive when you thought about it. All you needed was a set of eyes to see that much.

And here Kazuichi was, settled into his lap like it was nothing big. The realization had his face burning a fierce blush and he forced himself to speak to maybe alleviate some embarrassment.

"This- uh, um, is this…"

"Yes," Gundham said before he could even get the words out. Kazuichi could  _ feel  _ the rumble of his deep voice. His hands had warmed up on his back. "It… yes."

"Ah, okay, um… me too, you know, I think it may have- have just been that before it was, it was, ah, really awkward-" Kazuichi was rambling. He was nervous and he was rambling "- and if you, if you had a, a…  _ lover _ , you guys would-"

"Kazuichi," Gundham said, breaking Kazuichi out of his misery. "I understand what you mean."

Kazuichi nodded and buried his nose into his shoulder. He squeezed his eyes shut and held on tight. His heart hammered and all he could smell was Gundham cologne. 

Kazuichi,  _ Kazuichi _ . He couldn't stop thinking about the way his name sounded coming from Gundham. He had never said it before, preferring to use his surname or some dumbass nickname. He had never heard 'Kazuichi' in that dark voice before.

He…  _ really  _ liked it. 

It was scaring him how much he liked it, how much he craved to hear it again, perhaps in a sentence.

_ 'Kazuichi, how are you today?' _ He found himself thinking.  _ 'Silence, Kazuichi. Would you like to accompany the princess and I for tea, tonight, Kazuichi?' _

_ 'Kazuichi, I want to kiss you.' _

"Gundham, I want to kiss you," he said, voice steady, with no thought prior to what could go wrong. His eyes shot open and he clung on tighter even as Gundham's grip slackened.

"I… what?" Gundham near whispered, sounding more confused than any time Kazuichi attempted to explain his machines. Kazuichi would've laughed and teased him for this if he wasn't busy dealing with his own crisis.

"I… it's just… the sitting is makin' me feel those, those butterflies, you know, so kissing would make it…  _ more," _ he attempted to explain.

"There are no 'butterflies' in your stomach, Kazuichi," Gundham responded, but Kazuichi could tell he was amused by the tone of his voice. No matter what he said, more butterflies began to flutter at the sound of his name.

"Shut up," he whined, feeling confident enough to pull back and meet Gundham's eyes. Despite how he sounded, Gundham's face was bright red, almost bright enough to be concerning. Kazuichi couldn't help but grin a little at his face. "You sure you're not actually the ultimate tomato?"

Gundham rolled his eyes in a light hearted way. Had that happened a year ago, Kazuichi would think the gesture meant he hated him. Oh, how time flew.

His cold hands came up to his face. It felt nice against his flushed skin and he could barely hide the way he gasped.

"Didn't you just voice your yearning?" Gundham asked, like a person out of a goddamn drama, and Kazuichi hated the way the words made him feel warm. Instead of saying so, he rolled his eyes back.

"You're such a n-nerd, seriously, it's an issue," he said, a little mean, pushing his embarrassment to the back burner. It was all light hearted, of course, a joke to cover what he was really feeling.

Gundham, however, didn't seem to be in the mood for jokes. How or why his confidence has skyrocketed, Kazuichi had _no_ idea, but he pulled the mechanic's face down close to his until he could feel his breath on his lips. His eyes were wide and it was a bit awkward, meeting his bicolored gaze from this close, but his mind was centered on the mouth oh _so close_ to his.

"Go on then, make your move," he spoke, mouth moving in a way that made their lips brush.  _ 'Oh God,' _ Kazuichi thought.  _ 'That's so hot.' _ "I'm waiting, Kazuichi."

It only took a second longer. Kazuichi's eyes closed and his arms wound around his shoulders once more. He rushed forward and kissed him. The kiss was rough and their teeth clicked in a painful manner. He yanked back and rubbed his mouth, metallic taste flooding his mouth. When he looked at Gundham, he saw a small cut on his bottom lip, and he couldn't help the small laugh despite just how overwhelmed he was.

"Oh my God, oh my  _ God,  _ did I  _ bite  _ you?"

" _ Yes, you did.  _ Thanks for that," Gundham responded. His arms were wrapped around Kazuichi's waist like it was casual and natural at this point. "Why did you kiss me like a dying man? Last time I checked, I still have a while left on this realm and you are  _ very much  _ alive."

"Well,  _ excuse me,  _ mister K-drama. You sounded like you- like you walked out one of those animes Sonia's obsessed with, with your cheesy one liners."

Gundham blushed hard. "I! That's called setting the mood!"

"Well, go on!" Kazuichi licked over his bottom lip and burned bright at the way Gundham's eyes followed the movement. Dully, he wondered if he had a matching cut with Gundham. "Set the mood again. I'll be… I'll be gentler."

It seemed as if Kazuichi had taken all the confidence Gundham had stored up because the breeder just blinked at him, eyes wide. Kazuichi couldn't help but giggle at his state.

"Don't worry, I'll put you out of your misery."

He leaned forward and caught his lips in a kiss again. He was much softer this time, and Gundham's lips moved underneath his. The kiss was uncoordinated and messy, neither of them having experience before this. Despite that, Kazuichi made soft sounds into it and they broke away panting, neither quite knowing how to breath into a kiss.

After they broke apart, they opened their eyes and met their gaze. It was unclear from then who exactly leaned in first, but they kissed once more.

They actually kissed a  _ lot  _ more that night.

Late, when Gundham left his dorm, it should have been clear to Kazuichi that both he and Gundham had an attraction to men and the secret aspect of their relationship should have been ended. Subconsciously, he knew this, but he still made plans to meet again the following night and the night after. Floating on his high, he fell asleep easy that night and didn't dream of much.

***

Kazuichi awoke out of his sleep in the afternoon the next day. His head pounded something fierce and his mouth was so very dry. On the table next to the couch, he found a bottle of water and a couple ibuprofen. A note in scrawled handwriting said "take when you wake up, you drunken bastard". Kazuichi couldn't help but smile as he swallowed the medicine; he'd have to remember to shoot a text to Fuyuhiko to thank him.

As his headache eased off ever so slightly and he drank enough water, he sat up and remembered his dream.

Remembered his  _ memory _ .

And the headache returned.

Year, and years ago. Seven, eight, who knew? Life when things were easier, when he wasn't pinning hopelessly over a man that could never love him back, when he didn't fidget and overthink so much, when he had time, just had enough  _ time  _ to do things he wanted to.

He still had time, sometimes had  _ time,  _ but time both flew and moved at a drag and time brought him back to one of the people that meant the world and also nothing to him. He  _ wished  _ Gundham meant nothing because then he wouldn't be experiencing this heartache. He wouldn't wish for that memory to have been of, perhaps, yesterday rather than ages ago. He wished that time and the universe had not brought them together again.

But, then again, he thanked the world.

How pathetic this was, lamenting over a boy. His father would be so disappointed with him.

Tears welled up in his eyes and fell just as quick. He scrubbed at his eyes and they just continued to fall. Then, his phone vibrated and he checked it.

**The Dark Lord:** Good noon. Would you like to accompany Sonia and I for tea today?

High school him would've eaten this opportunity up. Adult him changed the contact name and denied the opportunity.

**You:** i think im sick, I cant go

The reply came so fast.

**Tanaka:** Sick? Would you like me to get you medicine?

Kazuichi closed his phone without responding. Tears fell harder at the idea of Gundham getting him medicine and doting over him. He sobbed and fell sideways onto the couch, nose digging into cushions. He pulled the blanket over him up to his nose.

He prayed for sleep again and his wish came true. He prayed for a dreamless sleep to forget his pain and, unfortunately, only one wish would come true.

He dreamed up another high school memory.

He woke up crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are always greatly appreciated!!


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Permanent stains.

A week passed by, then two, then three. Gundham grew more and more flooded with work as the season became colder. His new car drove so much smoother than the old one ever could and he enjoyed being able to listen to the radio during his rides to and from work. The radio in his old car had never worked.

During his break times, he had managed to cut back on the amount he smoked. At first, it was just him forgetting to buy another pack, and then, it was his fingers not itchy to flick a lighter and to smoke. The temptation was intense, and often, he gave in, but it was a slow process. He knew Sonia would be happy.

Secretly, he hoped Kazuichi would be happy too. He knew that there wasn't any way that Kazuichi hadn't smelt the smoke that lingered on his coat.

Speaking of, he had yet to have his jacket returned to him. The day after he had leant it to him, Kazuichi had apparently fallen ill. While it concerned him to see that he had read his message but not replied, Gundham simply assumed he had fallen asleep. He thought it best not to bother him.

Kazuichi texted him again later that night, a short and simple "I'm feeling better". Gundham smiled at his phone and replied with a "That's good, I'm glad". Kazuichi didn't open that text for a few days.

Gundham tried to pay it little to no mind. He was likely getting swamped with work too, what, with people attempting to drive their cars without allowing them to warm up, crashing with iced up windshields. He had to admit, though, that it still hurt a little bit, especially as the gaps between responses became wider and wider.

He truly wasn't concerned about the jacket, if he was being honest. He had plenty like it and he really didn't mind it being in Kazuichi's possession. If he was going to be truthful, what concerned him was this… space.

The gap, rift, perhaps, between them that had only been growing since the last time they had seen each other face to face. It was beginning to feel like the end of high school once more and it was rather upsetting. More and more time passed between each text from Kazuichi and every time Gundham offered for them to hang out, Kazuichi would deny the offer, claiming he was "busy" or "ill" or something else of the sort. Gundham didn't want to put pressure on him, but he wasn't stupid; he could tell when he was being avoided.

This then led to the question of " _ why?" _ .  _ Why  _ was he being avoided? Was it presumptuous of him to assume their friendship could go back to normal after all these years? Had he pressured Kazuichi too much from the get go? Kazuichi used to be the one who was always eager for more, but did he now shy away from that?

Thoughts ran a mile a minute through Gundham's head. He truly and honestly had no idea what was going on.

Perhaps that playful flirting a while ago had been the tipping point? Gundham brushed that idea away before…

Wait… was that it?

Everything had seemed to change for the south after that interaction. Kazuichi had engaged him, but surely it wasn't anything more than playful banter, right? There was nothing more to it, right?

Maybe it had pushed him away because it reminded him of… high school. Of the relationship they had engaged in then.

Gundham still colors red thinking about it. To the outside eye, they would've been called friends with benefits. To them, they were curious teenagers who took things a little too far.

The fall out in the end was… intense. Yelling, tears, slammed doors. Ignoring each other for months on end until Sonia pulled them back together. They grew closer once again, but they never really hung out alone for a  _ while. _

Actually… Kazuichi only seemed comfortable hanging out alone once Gundham and Sonia had become official.

Odd.

He didn't really like to think back to that time as it brought a load of negative memories back to his mind. He assumed it important, though, with this circumstance.

Maybe Kazuichi was uncomfortable even jokingly flirting with someone who he had had a… deeper relationship with. That would be understandable, of course, but Gundham wanted to know  _ why  _ he had engaged him, why he hadn't just  _ said  _ something.

He knew that Kazuichi would speak up if he felt the need to, he knew that he wouldn't just shut up and deal with things, but… he hadn't said anything.

Maybe that wasn't the issue? But nothing else made sense.

This barely talking over the phone wasn't fixing  _ anything _ ; he couldn't get through a full conversation with Kazuichi without the other pulling away too soon. They had to talk face to face and Gundham had to sort out the issues brewing in his mind and heart.

  
  


He grabbed a jacket from the back of the couch and stormed out the door. He had somewhere he needed to be.

***

Gundham was standing outside the Car Clinic by the time the clock struck five. He was leaning against his car, cool air nipping his nose, cigarette dangling from his fingers. His foot tapped impatiently against the sidewalk. His nerves grew with time.

A few minutes later, Kazuichi walked out of the shop. He walked out with the usual receptionist (who Gundham had learned was named Gina), chatting with her. 

From the distance, Gundham could barely make out his expression, but he could tell something was off with the way he carried himself. His shoulders were slumped and he was walking slowly. He seemed slumped down himself, and overall he just looked  _ tired.  _

In the middle of his thought, Kazuichi looked up and over at him. They were closer now, close enough for Gundham to clearly see his face.

He  _ definitely  _ looked exhausted, dark lines under his eyes. He wasn't wearing any makeup, the lack of it making him look younger, and Gundham realized that he had barely ever seen the other without his eyeliner. His eyes lacked their usual shine and his face dropped into one of shock when he saw him.

"Uh… hi?" Kazuichi said, breaking the silence first. Gina looked between him and Gundham and then raised her hand in a wave.

"I-I think I should take my leave, then," she said, and Gundham wondered if even  _ she  _ could feel the tension. He returned the wave and flicked his cigarette. Ashes fell to the ground.

"You, um… you really shouldn't smoke those. Bad for your… lungs," Kazuichu continued awkwardly. Gundham's gaze flicked down to his hands. He was wringing his hands. “Uh, you remember Fuyuhiko? He also, um, had a problem with those for a… for a while. I can ask him how he-”   
  
“Have you been avoiding me?” Gunzham couldn’t stop himself from saying. If you were to ask Sonia, his bluntness was definitely something he needed to work on. He had always been blunt like that, but back in high school, it was hard to understand just what he was getting at. Simplified like this, he tended to come off as rude, callous, worse words. He ran a hand down his face as he felt it burn red from more than just the cold. “I… I mean…”   
  
“No, no, it’s… no, I get what you’re asking.” Kazuichi ran a hand through his hair, which he had down. It was longer than shoulder length now, and his roots were even more grown in. The pink had faded into tinted blonde. Faintly, Gundham wondered if he was going to dye it again. He kind of thought it was pretty. “I’ve been… busy. Distracted? Maybe. I haven’t been- haven’t been doing it on purpose! Swear!”

Kazuichi was waving his hands around, and Gundham wondered if he was lying. His wavering voice pointed to that, but  _ why  _ would he be lying? What reason did he have to lie to Gundham and, if he was lying, why had he been avoiding him? So many questions. 

He looked up and met Kazuichi’s gaze. He stopped floundering and swallowed nervously. “Are you busy tonight?”

Kazuichi looked away and rubbed his hands together. His arms were bare and slowly turning red. Did he go everywhere without a jacket?   
  
“... Why do you ask?”

“I’d like to hang out if you aren’t.”   
  
Brown eyes met grey. “Hang out?”

Gundham recalled Mahiru’s words. They didn’t  _ need _ an excuse to hang out. “Yes. I think it would be fun.”   
  
A small smile cracked on Kazuichi’s face. “Fun, huh? You out pleasure seeking, dark lord?”

“S-Silence!” His face burned bright red. “Would you like to hang out or not?”

A boot scuffed against the sidewalk. Kazuichi wrung his hands once more.

“... On one condition.”

“What is it?”   
  


“We hang out at my place.”

“That’s okay with me-”

“-  _ and  _ you help me dye my hair.”

He was a bit more hesitant this time, but Gundham nodded. “Hot pink once more?”

Kazuichi grinned this time, shark toothed and mischievous. He would never say it aloud, but Gundham had kind of missed that look on his face, the one that screamed he was up to no good. The grin didn’t reach his eyes, still dimmed, but it was positive progress from the attitude earlier. 

“Of course, it  _ is _ my brand afterall. Now, put that thing out and get in your car, I’ll give you directions.”   
  
***

In front of other people, they were simply a pair of close friends. The whole group was: Sonia, Gundham, and Kazuichi. Everyone knew that Sonia had a thing for Gundham, Kazuichi had a thing for Sonia, and Gundham didn’t appear interested in either. It was a highschool friend group, not very strange to see.

In front of each other, they were something else. Friends with benefits? No, something more. Toeing a line between relationship and not, but everything was purely physical. They didn’t carry feelings for each other, they wouldn’t be doing  _ this _ if they did. They wouldn’t hide everything behind dorm room doors, sneaking into bathroom stalls, lingering friendly touches.

Nearly every night, Kazuichi or Gundham would go to the other’s dorm. Sometimes, it would start slow, talking and laughing and soft touches chased by a kiss. Sometimes, it was hurried, grabbing a shirt collar and tugging inside, slamming the door shut and framing the other against the wood, kissing the air out of their lungs.

Gundham didn’t really have a preference. He didn’t like to think about this situation all that much. It would lead to headaches and troubles plaguing him. It was easier to act like this was completely normal.

Tonight was one of those hurried nights. The day had been busy with their practical tests coming up. Sonia insisted on being tested despite there being little for her to be tested on, so she studied like one of the reserve course students. She spent her time studying with either Gundham or Kazuichi as they honed their skills, but, lately, she had been spending more time with Gundham.

Needless to say, the rumor mill was fully stocked. 

“They’re dating, right? They’re practically glued at the hip! I swear I even caught Gundham flirting back!” People would say. Gundham never gave the rumors much mind; he didn’t care all that much about what people had to say about him. He had been on the receiving end of some nasty rumors far too many times to concern himself with them anymore.

Back in Kazuichi’s dorm, the mortal had pinned him up against the hardwood door and had his hands curled in the black fabric of Gundham’s coat. Their bodies were pressed close and Gundham wrapped his own arms around Kazuichi in turn, one hand twinning in pink strands and the other pressed tight against the small of his back. Kazuichi made a small sound into the kiss and his grip loosened a fraction.

“I’m surprised you- you still wanna do this,” he said between kisses, breaking for breath. Gundham made a curious sound and Kazuichi laughed softly. “You know, with you and Sonia.”

At this, Gundham pulled away. Kazuichi chased his mouth and only dropped back down on flat feet when he realized Gundham wasn’t going to kiss him again just yet. Gundham would have laughed at the pout on his face if he wasn’t so confused by his words.

“The princess and I?” he questioned, and Kazuichi nodded. “What about us?”

The mortal seemed to hesitate at this, fists curling and uncurling in his jacket. Gundham waited patiently for him to collect his thoughts. Absentminded, his hand began to play with his hair, petting his head. Kazuichi leaned into the touch.

“Aren’t you, ya know, into her?” he finally managed to ask and all Gundham could do was squint in confusion. “I mean, you hear people, what they say.”   
  
“Why are you listening to rumors?”

Kazuichi froze. His hands curled tight. “I mean! Don’t rumors usually- usually have some truth to ‘em?”

“That way of thinking is tainted,” Gundham responded, and Kazuichi looked down. His grip loosened once more and he laid his palms flat on Gundham’s chest. Gundham wondered if he could feel his heartbeat, then he wondered why his heart was pounding so hard.

The silence between them was thick. Gundham continued to play with his hair, Kazuichi leaned further into him. Then, slowly, he turned to look back up to him. His face was reddened.

“So… you  _ don’t  _ have a crush on her?” he asked, and Gundham, dumbfounded by the question, shook his head. The answer seemed to satisfy Kazuichi. He threw his arms around his neck and pushed upward, kissing him again. The kiss was rough, and Gundham matched his energy, both hands falling to hold his waist and hold him close. The conversation was forgotten soon and they spent the rest of the night swapping kisses.

Gundham asked about it later when the night had gotten way too late for either of them to be up. He was sitting on Kazuichi’s bed with his back against the headboard. Kazuichi sat in his lap, arms around his neck. The question made him grin mischievously, but in an embarrassed manner, in a way.

“Well, I didn’t want to be a homewrecker.”

Before he could bother to ask more, Kazuichi kissed the thoughts right out of his mind.

***

Back in the present, Gundham walked into Kazuichi’s apartment, following him in. Kazuichi’s face had gone a bit pale and his walk was a bit wobbly, and when Gundham had voiced his concern, Kazuichi had waved him off and answered that his motion sickness had never really gone away. At that, he couldn’t help but huff a small laugh. 

A mechanic with motion sickness. How ironic.

“Make yourself at home,” Kazuichi said, gesturing around. “The place is small but it’s mine, so… yeah. I’m gonna go get the bathroom ready, if you’re hungry, there are snacks in the kitchen. Help yourself to anything.”   
  


Gundham hummed in response and shrugged off his jacket, hung it on the back of a chair. When he didn’t hear movement, he turned to see Kazuichi standing in the same spot staring at him. “What is it?”

Kazuichi startled, almost as if he hadn’t caught himself standing and staring. “Uh! It was just, um, surprising to see you in a short sleeve shirt! Don’t mind me!”

At that, he hurried out of the room. Gundham shrugged in confusion, failing to notice the way that Kazuichi’s face had been bright red. Wandering into the kitchen, he opened a cabinet in the search for chips or something of the sort. He found them among a few glass bottles of alcohol, which caught his attention, He had never imagined Kazuichi to be much of a drinker.

He snacked quietly in the living room, waiting for the go ahead to come into the bathroom. Kazuichi came through once, grabbing a folding chair he had in the corner and walking back into the bathroom. He had on a tank top, a black one speckled with bleach stains. Despite his small build, his arms were fairly muscular, and Gundham could see a few freckles dotting his shoulders. His hair framed his face nicely, glasses hanging from the collar of his shirt. He followed him with his eyes, phone in his hand forgotten. 

As soon as he left the room again, he shook his head, looking back down at his phone, at a text. He couldn’t get Kazuichi and his tank top out of his mind. He tried not to think about it too much.

“Alright, everything’s good now!” Kazuichi called soon after, and Gundham left his phone on the couch when he walked in. Kazuichi was sitting in the chair and there were a few newspapers on the floor around the chair and there was a bottle of pink dye on the counter. Plastic gloves rested next to it, along with his glasses. When Kazuichi peered up at him, all wide eyed excited gaze, he felt his heart stutter. He paid it no mind and pulled on the gloves. “I trust you but I put some newspapers down just in case. Now, dye my hair!”

Gundham started doing just that, coating sections of hair and rubbing in color with his hands. “Do you do this often?”   
  
“Pretty often, yeah,” Kazuichi answered, looking at him through the mirror. Some spark was back in his eyes. “I’ve never bought any of those fancy tools, though, just usually use my hands. It does the job just as well.”   
  
Gundham hummed and continued. Pink blended into brown, near black hair. He met Kazuichi’s gaze in the mirror and the latter quickly looked away after that, seeming to focus on the tiles. Gundham blinked, somewhat startled by the reaction. He swallowed and focused back on what he was doing. They didn’t talk for the rest of the time it took for him to use up the dye. When he was finished, he took a seat on the edge of the bathtub while Kazuichi read off instructions on the box. Unable to hold it in, he spoke again.

“You were lying to me earlier,” he stated, like an observation. Kazuichi tensed and fell silent. “When you said you weren’t avoiding me. I could tell you were lying.”   
  
“I… suppose,” Kazuichi answered after a moment.

“Why?”   
  
He looked away. Through the mirror, Gundham could tell that he was conflicted. His lip was caught between his teeth. After a moment, he looked at Gundham, and his eyes were hardened.

“Why are we friends again?”   
  
“... What?” he asked, startled by the question. Kazuichi seemed unphased, but his bouncing leg showed his nervousness.

“Why are we friends again, why is everything… why are we acting like  _ nothing  _ happened? We fell out of touch after high school, but I- you- I  _ know  _ you’ve had my number this whole time. Are we friends because you ran into me? Would you have ever texted me otherwise?”   
  
Gundham couldn’t find any words, thrown off by this sudden topic change. He opened and closed his mouth, nothing coming out. Kazuichi looked down at his hands and fussed with his nails.

“We’re… we’re acting like nothing ever happened. Like we never stopped talking. I’m happy, I am, but… then you do things like… like a few weeks ago, that  _ flirting _ … are we close like that again?” His leg bounced faster. Gundham looked down to his neck, his shoulders, stained with pink. His own hands were clean, but Kazuichi was stained. Those dye stains would last for a long time. “I… Gundham, we… we’re ignoring the issues here, and that’s…”   
  


“Not okay,” Gundham finished for him, voice soft. Kazuichi gasped, as if surprised that he had spoken, but quickly recovered and nodded. A short silence followed.

“You know, we… we never talked, after that last time. That argument when we ended the…  _ situation _ . I know we agreed never to bring it up, but you gotta admit that it makes some of this shit really tense.”

“You’re right,” Gundham easily agreed. His fingers itched to smoke and he sat on his hands. Cool porcelain bit into his skin. “I never properly apologized for how I reacted. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” Kazuichi replied. His gaze would not leave the tiles. “I… don’t know why I got so mad. I was an asshole.”

“So was I, I… I didn’t handle things the way I should’ve, back then. We were teenagers, but still…” Gundham rubbed the back of his neck and looked off to the side. “Dumb teenagers, at that.”

The tense mood eased a little when Kazuichi giggled. “ _ Super  _ dumb.”

“ _ Extremely  _ dumb.”

“Definitely.”

They shared a short laugh before Gundham spoke again. “As for why I didn’t contact you… I wanted to, I was just… scared, maybe? I don’t have an answer that will be satisfactory. Believe me, though, when I say that I am glad we are friends again, and I would have eventually texted you in the future. I know my word isn’t trustworthy, but I swear on the Tanaka bloodline that I am telling the truth.”

“Whew, that’s a big promise, hot shot, you sure you wanna waste it on me?” By Kazuichi’s tone, it was clear he was amused and joking. The smile on his face dropped when he met Gundham’s fierce gaze.

“I promise.”

Kazuichi’s eyes only widened and their eye contact broke quickly. Both of them looked away from one another, but, out of the corner of his eye, he could swear he saw the tips of Kazuichi’s ears burning red.

Shortly after came time to wash the dye out of Kazuichi’s hair. While he said he could do it himself, Gundham insisted that he helped him and won the argument in the end. Kazuichi sounded surprised when Gundham didn’t know what exactly to do, pointing at the gray streaks in his hair with immense confusion. Gundham just tilted his head in confusion and explained that they were natural. At that, Kazuichi had grumbled under his breath something along the lines of, “oh, you were  _ born  _ to be an evil villain.”

He kneeled at the edge of the bathtub and held his head over the lip of the tub. With lukewarm water, Gundham began to slowly wash the dye out until the water ran clear. Having already thrown out the gloves, he used his bare hands. Unsurprisingly, dye collected on his hands and under his nails. His fingertips were stained just like Kazuichi’s neck and shoulders, no longer clean.

For some reason, he found himself not minding.

When they were all finished, Kazuichi pulled in a hair dryer and dried his hair while Gundham cleaned the small mess in the bathroom. They chatted over the sound of the hair dryer, conversation about this and that. They would have to eventually talk further about the conversation from earlier, but neither seemed to want to at that moment. 

“Ah, can you put the folding chair in my room?” Kazuichi asked him, when he was nearly done cleaning. “It’s the door just down the hall, literally impossible to miss.”

Going to do just that, Gundham pushed the room open. It was certainly cleaner than Kazuichi’s dorm had ever been, the mess on a desk by the window. Even then, the surface was covered with papers and a large tool box in the corner had little trinkets on it. The bed was unmade but the floor was clean. He placed the folding chair in the corner and turned to leave the room. Before he left, something caught his eye.

His borrowed jacket was laid on the bed. It wasn’t hung up, folded over a chair, nothing like that. It was spread on the bed, almost like someone had either slept with it on or slept cuddled up to it.

His face practically went up in flames. When he entered the bathroom again, he instinctively had both hands up and covering the lower half of his face, a bad habit he had yet to kick. Kazuichi paid him no mind, finishing up drying his hair and speaking, but all his words sounded like mush. His mind was racing.

“Hello, earth to Gundham? Dude, you’re practically turning purple,” Kazuichi joked, and Gundham looked up at him. The spark in his eyes had finally returned, mischievous grin as amazing as ever. His hair fell around his shoulders like a soft pink curtain. His neck and shoulders remained stained despite his washing.

Kazuichi turned to put the hair dryer down and, in the short time, Gundham walked up to him. When he turned back around, he seemed startled by his proximity.

“Um, hey? What’re you doing?”

Without saying anything, pink stained fingertips and palms cupped Kazuichi’s face and brought him in for a fierce kiss, Gundham bending and meeting him in the middle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao sorry if they kiss too early i made the executive decision for them to kiss bc the vibe was right


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starting to understand everything so muddled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> general warnings:  
> a lot of vague internalized homophobia, panic attacks, self deprication

This was going on too long and Kazuichi knew it. He knew he was attracted to men, that much was clear in the way that he easily melted into Gundham's touches and kisses, the way he sometimes found himself looking over the breeder's figure. Tall, broad, strong…

The point is, Kazuichi already knew the truth of his sexuality, and it freaked him the fuck out. How was he going to tell his dad? What would he do? Was he never really attracted to Sonia? Looking at her didn't fill him with the sparks it had done before.

But… looking at Gundham? That was a different story.

It couldn't have been crush feelings, there's no  _ way  _ he would have a crush on him. The feelings were just physical,  _ had  _ to be just physical. He longed to feel those large hands on his waist, those slightly chapped lips pressing to his neck, rumbling laughter against his chest. He wanted to sit on his lap and lean into his warmth and just kiss for hours.

That's all they did when they were alone. It was practically routine by this point. If they were hanging out with others, they would act normal, business as usual. As soon as everyone else filtered out, they were all over each other, and Kazuichi  _ loved  _ it.

He's pretty damn sure that Gundham loved it too, at least, he appeared to. His no bull shit personality wouldn't lead to him continuing their relationship if he wasn't benefitting from it himself.

Kazuichi never caught him looking over his body the way Kazuichi looked over his, though.

Perhaps he wasn't attracted to Kazuichi? 

… Why did that make Kazuichi's heart pang painfully?

He swallowed down the feelings and focused on the present. He had other things to worry about than that emo being attracted to him.

This was going on way too long. Kazuichi had figured himself out to the best of his ability, and Gundham was smarter than he was, so surely he had figured himself out by this point. 

So why exactly did they continue to engage the way that they did?

He should cut it off here and now. Sure, their relationship was a nice release of stress, but that way never what it was about. It was to figure out confusion, to learn with someone you trust, to…

In the present, Kazuichi squeaked with surprise as Gundham rolled them over, knocking Kazuichi off his lap and flat against the bed. He sunk into cheap sheets and looked up at Gundham, chest heaving with breath. Gundham's cold fingers threaded through his and pressed them lightly into the bed.

"H-Hey," Kazuichi managed, licking his bottom lip nervously. He shuddered under the way Gundham's eyes followed the motion.

"Hello," Gundham responded, voice lower than usual. Kazuichi desperately tried to hide how it affected him, but he knew Gundham saw. Gundham saw  _ everything,  _ Gundham could read him like a book, and he  _ loved  _ it.

He  _ loved  _ how he couldn't hide anything from him. He hated how much he loved it.

Fingers pressed against his racing pulse on his wrist. Gundham's eyes lit up and Kazuichi gulped, flexing his fingers. He knew he could break away if he wanted to, but by God, he  _ didn't  _ want to. Warmth pooled through him thick and slow and he willingly let it. He wouldn't be breaking away anytime soon.

He was a bit impatient, though. "Could you, uh, could you get a move on?"

Gundham laughed, light and soft in a way Kazuichi hadn't known he could. He leaned down and nuzzled his neck, hair tickling his chin. He giggled softly without meaning too, the sound melting into a gasp when lips found his pulse point.

"Wh-What're you-!" He started but wasn't able to finish, teeth sinking in, the bite chased by a kiss. He sighed and leaned into the feeling, moaning when he sucked on the same spot. His mind went empty and only began to catch up when Gundham finished, leaning away again. He knew there would be a mark and he found himself not caring.

"Animal," he said, though, teasing. Gundham's hands squeezed his and he returned the gesture. "Marking me, huh? What am I, your property?"

Gundham said nothing, leaning down again. He kissed along Kazuichi's neck to the other side, biting down again. After a few moments of doing the same thing once more, he leaned up but not enough to meet Kazuichi's hazy gaze. He kissed his jaw and spoke quietly near his ear.

"Why, would you like to be?" He murmured, and Kazuichi flushed further, face burning red. The words began to sink in, and he didn't let them, wouldn't let them,  _ couldn't  _ let them. 

He didn't mean it, he didn't mean it. They talked like that, sometimes, heated words during the moment that neither of them meant.

They never meant it. This was nothing but physical.

Gundham didn't pause and continued on, but Kazuichi couldn't find himself into it anymore. Warmth changed into freezing cold, and he tensed. Gundham, of course, noticed immediately, like he always did.

He  _ hated _ how he couldn't hide anything.

"Kazuichi?" He asked, immediately coming up and releasing his hands. Kazuichi moved without thinking, grabbing his hands once again. Gundham was obviously startled by this, but he didn't voice this at all and let Kazuichi do what he wanted to.

_ 'Don't say my name like that, don't treat me like this, please, please,' _ he pleaded internally. He didn't let go of Gundham's hands, though.

"Are you alright?" Gundham asked, voice even softer somehow. Kazuichi opened his mouth, and all that came out was a choked noise. He tried again, clearing his throat.

"Yeah, um, can we just… lay for a while? I don't really…" he trailed off, but Gundham seemed to get it. He always got it. He laid down next to Kazuichi on his side. Kazuichi was sure he was somewhat uncomfortable still in his jeans and jacket, but he didn't voice any complaints. He laid and held Kazuichi's hand and brushed his thumb over the back of his hand.

Kazuichi's heart raced. His throat burned. "I'm sorry."

"There's no need."

"It-it must be at least a lil' annoying, I mean-"

"Not at all," Gundham reassured, and his eyes began to burn. He shut them tight and held Gundham's hands even tighter. He refused to meet his eyes.

Gundham stayed the night at his dorm that night. Eventually, the weird ache in Kazuichi dulled and they spent the rest of the night swapping soft kisses with no heat behind them, chatting and just hanging out. 

Nothing felt hurried, nothing felt…  _ required.  _ Kazuichi's looming anxiety was quelled, but the nagging thought remained.

This was definitely going on for too long.

He reached up and felt along his neck, pressing a finger into the bruise of a hickey, most likely dark and deep. That would last for a while. He hissed at the sting.

Gundham's cold fingers circled his wrist and pulled his hand away from his neck, kissing his pulse point. "Sorry for the marks."

"Don't worry, I… I like them," he muttered, embarrassed. Gundham grinned, mouth still against his wrist.

"Good to know."

The next day, predictably, Fuyuhiko balked at the hickeys and Hajime, nosy in his own way, didn't  _ directly  _ ask who did it but  _ heavily  _ implied that he wouldn't be mad if he told him. Ibuki jokingly took guesses and Miu smacked him on the back and congratulated him for no longer being a "fuckin' virgin!".

He really didn't pay any of them mind and he rubbed his hand over his neck once more.

Embarrassing. Reassuring.  _ Confusing _ .

When he and Gundham crossed paths that day, they made eye contact, and then Gundham looked at his neck, at the marks. Then, their gazes met again, and he smiled.

The ache returned.

Kazuichi broke gaze first and walked away.

He didn't bother to return the smile.

***

"Wh-what the  _ fuck  _ are you doing?!" Kazuichi shouted, shoving Gundham away. In the present day, he stood at the bathroom sink in his tiny apartment, hair still wet and dripping at the ends, hands shaking in… rage? Fear? Anxiety? Who knew? His lips tingled from the feeling of Gundham's on his own after, what, eight years? " _ Why the fuck would you do that?!" _

Gundham looked shocked by his own actions and oh, isn't that rich? He always does what he wants and then has the audacity to act like he didn't. Kazuichi shook his head and cleared the malicious thoughts, he knew that wasn't the case, his emotions were just so amped up.

He didn't know what to think, what to do. Everything, every thought, was just complete mush, blurry and incoherent. He knew his face burned hot, red, and so completely obvious, and his heart thudded practically out of his chest. His hands continued to tremble. His eyes burnt.

"Kazuichi, I-"

" _ Shut up _ ," he found himself biting out, hands gripping the countertop. He  _ couldn't think _ . Shouldn't he be happy? He felt like he wasn't going to vomit, this  _ didn't  _ feel good. "Don't call me that, don't  _ say my fucking name. _ "

Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see the hurt written across Gundham's face. He masked it, though, and refused to display anything. Kazuichi's throat felt like it was closing up.

"Souda," he started this time, and Kazuichi's heart ached,  _ ached _ , but he stayed quiet. "I apologize, I… acted impulsively."

_ 'Is that all you're going to say?' _ , he thought, gripping the countertop tighter. His knuckles went white.  _ 'You're not even going to explain why you did that?' _

"I… I will, if you want me to," Gundham continued, and Kazuichi's face burned harder as he realized he had said his thoughts out loud.

Did he even want to know? Yes, no, maybe. He didn't know what he wanted right now, honestly. Everything was  _ so fucking much. _

Then, he did something impulsive of his own.

"Get out. Leave."

"I… what?" Gundham said, and Kazuichi refused to look at him. He blinked and tears tumbled over his cheeks. 

" _ Leave,  _ Tanaka.  _ Please."  _ The last part came out as a croak. He was so tired, so overwhelmed, he was so  _ pathetic.  _ "Go home. Thanks for the help or whatever, but I  _ don't  _ want to be near you right now."

Gundham didn't say anything for a moment. Kazuichi still couldn't bear to look at him; he knew the moment their eyes locked, he would go into a full meltdown. 

"I… understand. I apologize again, Souda." He made his way out of the room, but Kazuichi didn't relax just yet. From down the hall, he continued speaking. "You… have my number if you need or want to text me, just remember that." The front door closed with a soft click.

He hated that Gundham said that, that last part. He hated that Gundham knew he would want to hear that. He hated how Gundham  _ always knew what he needed.  _

And he fell. Hands still grasped the countertop while his knees crumbled. They hit the cold tile floor with a thump, ache spreading through him. It did nothing to rival the ache he felt in his chest, though.

His mind was a complete blur of racing thoughts and questions. 'What if' s plagued his mind until there was nothing left. ' _ What if he's just fucking with me? What if he likes me? What if he leaves me? What if I lose him again?' _

Blurry, incoherent, fuzzy. Static filled his head and rang in his ears. His chest felt tight and he gripped the countertop harder.

He was pathetic, he was always so  _ pathetic _ . The man of his dreams just kissed him,  _ kissed him,  _ and he kicked him out. He's so fucking dumb and his dad was right and he just-

His phone buzzing brought him back down to Earth for a moment. Then, it continued to buzz, and he slowly pulled it out. Through the blur of tears, he read Hajime's name. Taking a breath, he answered and put the phone to his ear.

"Hey! Chiaki's doing a game night thing tomorrow and she told me to tell you about it. You wanna go?"

He thought he should say no. This night had completely drained his social battery for what felt like ages and he knew that hanging out with a somewhat large crowd wouldn't go all that well.

Still, he responded, "Oh, sounds fun. Count me in."

He was proud of himself for getting that out with his voice breaking. He knew that, over the phone, there was no way Hajime would be able to tell what state he was in.

Still, he hoped.

"Cool, I'll swing by your place around six tomorrow to pick you up, if that's okay?" Hajime continued, predictably not noticing. It truly wasn't his fault, and a small part of Kazuichi was glad that he didn't notice.

A smaller part still clung onto that bit of hope, and he hated himself for being that attention seeking.

"That's cool with me!" He said, a bit too cheerily. Hajime hesitated for a moment on the other side, at least, to Kazuichi, it felt like he did, and his heart stuttered in his chest.

He was getting the attention he wanted! Shouldn't he be happy? The idea of Hajime asking if he was okay was so fucking terrifying that he couldn't move a muscle. Internally, he begged that he didn't notice. 

A different part of him still hoped he did.

Another part of him begged that he chased after Gundham.

Overall, he was  _ confused. _ Confused, overwhelmed, sick. He couldn't bear to look into the mirror.

Hajime spoke, and Kazuichi realized that he had been tuning him out. He tuned back in to hear "... oh, but I have to get going now, Nagito's up to no good again" before the line went dead. His arm fell and the phone clacked lightly on the tiled floor. He slumped in on himself and pressed his forehead against the wooden drawers beneath his sink.

And he stayed there for a moment, letting his shoulders fall. The back of his hand stung with the cold of the floor. His knees ached and his eyes burnt. His face was wet and the tear just kept overflowing and he cried, cried  _ hard _ , and released the emotions pent up inside.

Gundham had kissed him, he's slouched on his bathroom floor, he had plans tomorrow. Those are all the clear cut truths that he needed to swallow down.

First, he fixed the second. He stood, albeit a bit wobbly, and flat out refused to look at himself. He knew he would see blotchy skin, frizzy pink hair, askew glasses, ugly,  _ ugly- _

_ Breathe. _

He left the bathroom, clicking off the light. The light in the hallway was so bright. Numbly, he walked through the apartment and clicked off the rest of the lights. Lastly, he entered his room and fell into bed, shoving Gundham's jacket on the floor, and clicking off the lamp and plunging him into darkness.

For the plans tomorrow, he would need rest to be fully energized! That's what he planned to do.

He intended on ignoring what had happened that night. The soft laughing, the fact that Gundham seeked him out specifically, the cool hands in his hair, the talk, the feelings, emotions, the- the-

The  _ kiss. _

He hated that word. Kissing didn't feel the same anymore, never after high school, never after  _ whatever  _ they had.

He was so sure Gundham had never been into him, but maybe…

_ "No,"  _ he said to himself, a reprimand. "Don't."

Left unsaid, "Don't do this to yourself, not again. Get over him, get over him."

He kissed you because he thought that's what you wanted. He wanted that physical relationship back, that's it, it had to be, it…

He covered his face with a pillow and squeezed his eyes shut. He blocked out the thoughts and lay still until he finally,  _ finally  _ slipped into a restless but not dreamless sleep.

***

He dreamt of high school again.

Was it really so surprising?

He was in his dorm room, hands coated with grease. He was tinkering with a little device, but he couldn't focus. Hair kept falling in his face, his teeth caught his lip, his hands shook. A light knock on his door seemed to shake the whole room.

"Uh, yeah, gimme a sec!" He called before ducking into the bathroom to scrub his hands clean. He knew he smelled like motor oil, having hung out in the garage with his underclassmen Oowada the majority of that day, but that wasn't that uncommon of an occurrence for him. He left the bathroom and went to the door.

He already knew who was behind it, and, in all his six foot tall emo goodness was Gundham Tanaka. He couldn't help but grin and step to the side, letting him in. Gundham, same as usual, pulled up the scarf to hide his reddening face. When he had his back turned, the grin lighting up Kazuichi's face fell.

He turned toward him and felt Gundham's broad hands land on his waist. He pulled him close, chest to chest. Gundham pressed a quick kiss to his cheek, and Kazuichi's heart fluttered. Then, a hand traveled up and traced along his neck.

"Lovely," Gundham murmured, something akin to amazement in his voice. "The marks have yet to fade. Their crimson hue is beautiful against your skin."

His heart shook, he shook, he _shook,_ he couldn't _do this_ _anymore_. Still, he tilted his head to the side and looked up and Gundham, mouth soft, lips parted. Completely relaxed in his hold. His arms remained at his sides.

Gundham leaned down and kissed him.

As soon as their lips met, Kazuichi couldn't stop himself. He shoved away, so fast and aggressively that Gundham stumbled backwards a step. He himself moved back a few, tripping over his feet and landing on his ass on the floor. He scrambled up to his feet, looking pointedly away, arm covering his mouth and face.

"I… what? Kazuichi?" Gundham asked, and oh, he sounded so confused, so  _ hurt.  _ Kazuichi knew he didn't care, really didn't, there's no way he did,  _ no one ever cared. _

Kazuichi knew that he himself always ended up caring way too much.

"I don't wanna do this anymore," he got out, arm still tense. He refused to look at Gundham.

"...  _ What?" _

" _ I don't want to do this anymore!" _ He shouted, every pent up feeling coming out. "This whole…  _ e-everything!  _ Making out, holding, touching, acting like- like-  _ fuck!"  _ His hands flew up to his hair, tugging at the strands. His eyes burned. He couldn't cry, not now. "We already know that- that I like- and you- you- please, just- I want this to fucking  _ stop _ !"

"Kazuichi…?" Gundham asked, voicing so soft, and Kazuichi looked through unshed tears to see his hand outstretched.  _ Don't touch don't touch don't touch- _

"It's pointless to keep this up, ya'know? It's just a fuckin' friends with benefits thing, isn't it? Let's just call it like it is, huh? We're so scared of calling it that because of what it  _ implies." _

Kazuichi saw Gundham's gaze harden. Yeah, yeah, make him mad, make it so this doesn't hurt as much.

"This ain't no fuckin' experiment anymore, no, no, you know it isn't." That struck a chord with Gundham. His hand fisted in his scarf. "It never was, now was it? We got our motherfucking test results! It's over,  _ over!" _

Gundham was dead silent. Kazuichi tugged at his hair in frustration. "We're both just- just-  _ just lonely  _ and that's  _ all  _ this fuckin' was. Touch starved couple of freaks are all we are, huh? Disgusting, especially indulging like  _ this _ . Admit it, you're grossed out too."

Gundham was so pissed, Kazuichi could tell. He was so skilled at reading him now. He hated it, he  _ hated it. _

He knew tears were falling now, he felt hysterical. He looked at his hands. 

"I didn't  _ ask  _ to turn out like this,  _ why did it have to be  _ you." He looked up and met Gundham's gaze, just grey. Gundham had gotten to a point that he didn't feel the need to wear his red contact around Kazuichi. They were so  _ comfortable,  _ it was just like… "Out of everyone,  _ you?" _

Gundham seemed to hit a breaking point. He whisked past him, saying nothing, knocking their shoulders. Kazuichi stumbled, nearly falling again before he caught himself on the wall. Gundham spared him another glance at the door.

"You are a  _ coward _ ," is all he said before he slammed the door so hard behind himself that it rattled in its frame.

Kazuichi let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in and looked at his hands again. They were  _ trembling _ , and he realized he was shaking like a  _ leaf.  _ His heart was racing, air was so thin, everything was black and bleak and  _ closing in- _

_ Breathe, breathe, please- _

_ It's all so- _

Black, bleak, grey, heartbreak- 

He fell on the edge of the bed and pulled his knees up to his chest and just  _ sobbed _ .

"I k-know, I  _ know al-already,"  _ he cried. "I'm the biggest coward of them all!"

One who couldn't even be true to himself. One who saw something different and panicked. One that pushed others away and made excuses and never accepted the truth. One that wouldn't just  _ say  _ what was on his mind. 

One that was  _ sick _ .

One that was a disappointment.

One that… that couldn't just… one that…

He cried harder, and he realized, painfully, that now, he was truly, and completely,  _ alone _ .

The next morning, he went to Ibuki's dorm, and she teased him relentlessly about it but agreed when he asked her to use her makeup to cover up the marks on his neck. Any attempt to get rid of reminders.

This felt like a fucking  _ break up. _

He supposed it sort of  _ was. _

He didn't miss the pain in Gundham's expression when he passed by.

After classes, he collected any and all of Gundham's belongings in his dorm and put them into bags. He placed the bags outside of Gundham's dorm and knocked on the door before fleeing to his room again, refusing to meet him outright. That night, the same thing happened with his items that he knew Gundham had of his.

Again, this felt like a break up.

And as he sorted through his stuff, he dropped the bag with shock as he realized, all too late, that  _ that's _ what this all was, not just a semblance.

This was a  _ break up. _

_ And he was the one who caused it. _

***

When he woke up, his head pounded and the events of the day previous replayed again. 

He went through the motions like a zombie, putting on an outfit of a muted yellow jumpsuit and sneakers, putting in contacts, doing his eyeliner. Drinking coffee, black and bitter, not even bothering to sweeten it.

Call it small, call it stupid, he didn't think he deserved it.

He left for the shop soon after and immediately dived into work, the smell of motor oil something common, something calming. His mind raced as he worked.

He was the issue with all of this, wasn't he? He typically was. 

Just because he would admit what he was so scared of.

_ But it couldn't be- _

It  _ had  _ to be.

There's no reason why he was so torn up over Gundham's kiss if he wasn't. There's no reason why he let everything in high school extend as far as it did if he wasn't. There's no reason why, even though he was  _ pissed,  _ he wanted to call him up and sink into that stupid fucking emo's arms.

He knew it, he's always known it, he just needed to say it.

Say it, say it,  _ say it _ -

"I'm," he started, and flinched at the way his voice echoed in the garage. "I'm…"

_ Don't be a coward. _

And, that morning, by himself in a garage that smelled of oil and metal, Kazuichi's head and mindset moved over a bump that he had been struggling with the past eight years, hell, the past  _ twenty-five _ years.

Something his dad would  _ hate.  _ It's a good thing they've barely talked since Kazuichi became an adult.

Call it silly, call it stupid, but to Kazuichi, the way his heart rattled around his chest and the way his hands trembled around a wrench, this was  _ huge. _

"I'm  _ gay, _ " he finally said, and it was loud enough to echo slightly, it wasn't between him and the wall at night, he said it like a simple  _ statement,  _ a  _ fact,  _ not like the nightmare he still feared it was. "I'm gay."

Twice. He said it _twice_.

And finally, after all this time and all these struggles, something seemed to click into place.

And the air was  _ thin _ and he just needed to-

_ Breathe. _

And he did, gripping the hood of a car to ground himself.

"I like Gundham," he whispered, and to everyone, that was obvious, including himself, probably including Gundham. It was still…  _ huge. _

"I like him. I'm gay, and I like Gundham Tanaka."

He shook, and he  _ breathed. _ He looked at his hands, and he still looked the same. He dared to look at himself in the car mirror, and he  _ looked the same _ . If anything, he looked  _ relieved. _

For the first time in quite possibly  _ forever,  _ Kazuichi was comfortable with who and what he was. That panic still crept up, of course, years of fear didn't disintegrate in one morning, but, in this moment and mindset, he was so very  _ unstoppable _ .

With this, he knew he had things he needed to do, and he needed to do them as quickly as possible.

He would ride this confidence wave as long as it would last.

He just hoped it would last for a very,  _ very  _ long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like souda just has so much internalized homophobia, I mean, the way he acts around Hajime in the game is really. Not straight boy behavior. with that, though, it's an intense struggle and I just. really wanted to write that out 
> 
> as always, comments are super super appreciated!!


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